I’m not sure what hurts worse. The fact that you led me on with no intention of seeing it all the way through, or that you came by to get one last run through before you left me for good. That you have been doing it to other girls and I was just too naive to see it. That I ignored all the red flags because I wanted the fantasy in my mind to be real. That I let you use me and then discard me like I was nothing. That you really don’t care at all.
I don’t know who to be more mad at. The person who I trusted more than anything telling me that I should fall into it. That I should just trust that it was going to work out when he was doing the EXACT same thing you did to me before. Knowing that it was going to end horribly. Knowing that I was going to be back at square one and that you wouldn’t have to be around to pick up the pieces.
How can people be so cruel? Is it that I couldn’t be happier than you? Because you choose to stay in a relationship you aren’t fully happy in because you’re too scared to leave? That I can’t have a shred of happiness for myself if it means that I’m better off than you?
Why do people hurt people this way? How can you look at someone and just lie to their face? Make them feel special and then just throw them away and move on to the next? I keep telling myself that it isn’t me. That it’s them because they don’t want to take responsibility for the pain. That my ego is trying to make it seem like it’s my fault when it isn’t, but where do we draw the line?
I feel like I have shattered and been roughly put back together. All the pieces in the wrong places. It hurts to move. It hurts to breathe. I feel like I never want to love again. I can’t keep going through this horrible pain to see them on the other side doing just fine while I am bleeding out. Will I ever feel whole again?
Sometimes, I wonder what it would have been like to not have any feelings. To be heartless like these people who handle me. To never take another person’s feelings into consideration. To use and discard them. Would I be happier? Not thinking about other people’s pain and living oblivious to the damage I caused? What would that make me?
I am so often seeking approval. Validation from others to help tamper my moods and emotions. To make me feel more alive and that I am making a difference in someone’s life. I often wonder about past lovers and if they ever think about me. Sometimes they come back after I have hardened my heart to them and am indifferent to how they feel.
Is that how it goes? I have to hate them to get over them? But then I am holding some enormous grudge against all these people. Unable to heal and move on? When they are surely not giving a second thought to my feelings. Moving on in their lives like I was never a part of it. How do I let go?
It aches inside. I am always in pain. Constantly overthinking every scenario. Wondering if I will ever be where I want to be. Ever be good enough for someone else. Or am I too damaged? Am I too far gone to trust another person enough to let them love me? Do I deserve it?
I have seen many things that say you are allowed to love someone else before you love yourself because they can help teach you to love certain parts of yourself again. I don’t know if that is true since I leave a piece of my heart with every person I encounter. What if I don’t have any more parts to give?
I don’t hate you for what you did to me, but I wish you could tell me why. Why you couldn’t just tell me how you really felt. That you were tired of me and ready to move on. Is it because you wanted me to hold on? Is it because you were too selfish to just let me move on and try to find happiness somewhere else? It’s just not fair. That even now, you are living your life and I am here. Wondering if you’re thinking about me. If you ever do. Broken and crying and numb.
Maybe our paths will cross again and you’ll be able to explain it to me. And if they don’t then I wish you the best in everything always. Because I could never wish bad things on you when the memories are so sweet. Thank you for showing me what it was like to be loved, even if it couldn’t last. But I hope that when you’re alone and thinking about the past, you think of me. And everything that I put into being with you. Because it was with my whole heart and soul that I loved you. And a piece of me will be with you forever.
One thought on “But, why?”
I’m sorry this happened to you. I am four months into the “healing” phase myself and I read your words as if they were coming from my own head. I wish I had a magic wand to send to you but, alas, all I can offer is empathy. I see you and I feel you. Thanks for sharing.