There were so many thoughts running through my head before my fingers even hit the keys…so many things I was ready to write about. My mind racing, hands trembling, debating how to start, how to finish. Where to take this. What line of questioning. What topics I would cover. There are so many things I can say here. Do you even still read these? Do you even still care?

Of course, when I want to talk it’s to you, but maybe you know this. Maybe sometimes you want to talk to me too. Who knows. I vent to my friends, my family, and my therapist. I wonder if anyone will ever truly understand the emptiness I feel inside without you. Was any of it even real? It was to me. It felt real. Was it just because it was fun? The thrill of the chase? Knowing that one day it would all come crashing down, come to a screeching halt? End, end, end, everything ends. This lifetime was not meant for us.

I really tried to forget about you. At one point I was really happy with him. I felt safe again. I started to imagine a future without you. I felt like you letting me go was, in a way, some kind of mercy. You sparing me the pain of another goodbye. Third times the charm. I was feeling ok, I was imagining the potential of all the things that could be. I was trying to manifest you in him. But it all came crashing down.

Slowly, it seemed, I was just manifesting my ex. All the things I hoped I would never see again. The pain from my past creeping back into my life. Isolating myself from my friends, my health, and even my family. I was alone again in my own home. Worthless, unloved, gaslit into thinking that it was all in my head. I needed to look at what I was doing and why I was thinking the way I was. What could I do better to make him more comfortable? Why wasn’t I happy? Why couldn’t I just figure it out? Accused of cheating with anyone on two legs…everyone was a threat.

We cried together, said we loved each other and that we could work through it, sometimes love is enough right? We could make it work. Three months of pain and suffering just to find that sometimes love isn’t enough. Sometimes the pain of emotional unavailability is enough to crush someone’s spirit into oblivion.

And so I did the one thing I have had to do time and again. Walk away. Walk away when I worked so hard to make it work. Did I really want this? What do I want? Someone I can never have? The idea of someone? Someone who pushed me away? Someone who said they would never leave? Someone who told me that they would always be there and they would not be the one to walk away first?

Why does this always happen to me? Is it me? Am I the problem? My friends tell me I’m not, but how can it not be when I seem to always choose men who can’t choose me. Who see a strong independent woman and tear her down. Who want someone that can build them up, but not be at their level. Someone they don’t want to match energy with, but who they expect to push them higher. Why do I keep finding low vibrational people when I am the fucking sun?

I deserve so much more, right? Am I not worth more? Can I not see my own self worth? Am I delusional in thinking that I should be able to be happy? I feel like I fall in love with other people’s potential. I want so badly to see the best in others. I want them to be their best selves and they use me for their own personal gain.

You once told me that I was using you as a therapist, but I think that it was really the other way around. I think that you kept me around because I showed you what real love could be like. I showed you what you could have and it scared you that you could have that kind of light and happiness in your life. I have let so many people hurt me in my life and yet here I am still allowing myself to have a soft heart and being open to love.

I don’t wish ill on anyone who doesn’t deserve it. I hope that the people who I have helped move on and find their purpose and don’t hurt anyone else in their lives. I hope they mature and grow and can do good things with their lives, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I want them to come back.

I think that everything happens for a reason. My friends all tell me that we had a once in a lifetime kind of love. The kind that lights up a room. The kind where other people can feel and see it. They tell me that you were the one to show me that there is someone out there that can be that for me again. I hope that that is something that you can experience again too if you haven’t, or if that is something you have and you hid from me then I understand and I thank you for giving that to me. I think I understand now, the fear of being alone, of taking a chance on someone and it ending up not working out. I think I will always love you and you are forever with me literally (ink) and figuratively.

Something I wrote for my therapist was: is it unreasonable/insensitive for me to want to focus on myself and how do I open up? Is there a way to be independent with someone else or is that an agreed upon discussion? I think I have sort of answered my own questions in the sense that I have been with someone/people who have accepted me for who I am without judgement and allowed me to be my fun self without me feeling guilt or unsafe.

I think it is about who you allow to be in your energy. Who you allow yourself to give energy to. I love love. I am a soft person with a hard exterior and I have given pieces of myself over and over again. I am tired, but I don’t want to lose hope. I think that maybe I just have to be patient. I don’t know if I’ll ever be where I want, but I know that it’ll never be perfect and that’s ok.

I wanted you back
mostly when i felt lonely
but never on the happy days
and that says something
you weren’t the one meant to be mine – woyiera