So, this is it. This is thirty. what a whirlwind. a month has already flown by almost. Doesn’t really feel like it. What do they say about time flying when you’re having fun? I guess it is kind of true in a sense.

I am starting to feel alive again. A little less lost. Eclipse season is coming. Libra season is in full swing. I am at my peak. Full bloom. I am shining the brightest, but at the same time feel so lost. It is such a sad thing to feel like you are lost while simultaneously being the happiest you have ever been in your life. It is also funny knowing that there are going to be so many more of those times.

I think I am finally starting to understand my purpose in this life. That my love and care for others is what makes me who I am. That I am meant to give to others and maybe not receive as much. I met someone. They are a light in my darkness. They are my friend soulmate. They make me feel alive. Their birthday is the day after yours. Maybe it was meant to be.

Slowly it feels like I am pulling myself back together. Or at least my therapist likes to let me think that. That’s what I pay her for right? I can feel myself getting lighter every session, the understanding and the pain colliding. I am realizing that the scenarios I create in my mind are just that. Maybe I enjoy the idea of someone more than actually being with someone. Is that such a bad thing? Am I better off being alone?

I have so much love and care to give and yet these are not things that I have gotten much in return or else it has been so sparingly. There are certain friendships that I have appreciated over the years. For so long I have lapped at the bare minimum and accepted that some people were unable to give me what I thought I deserved. But do I deserve more? Is social media and society to blame for what I think I deserve? Am I allowed to want for certain things?

I feel like I am a simple person. Basic communication, affection, sex, and love are not much to ask for in my mind. I can take care of myself, but I also crave for someone to take care of me. A provider, an alpha, someone who can handle me mentally. There have only been a handful of people who have been able to do it and they have all since moved on. Sure there are over a billion people in the world, but my heart yearns for them.

And here we are again. Back to you. Why we come back around I’ll never know. I barely remember your voice or your face these days. You know I never liked to social media stalk. But I remember the charisma, the charm, the confidence. The way you commanded a room and the way you commanded my heart. I look for you in everyone just like you said I would and I think I will always hate you for that.

I am not sure how you can be both the happiest and saddest you’ve ever been, but thirty seems like the right age to be both. Where you have understood some very important life lessons and are also still figuring things out. I hope I will continue to learn as I go, but I also hope that I don’t keep making the same mistakes. I feel wiser than before and I hope that I can keep carrying that forward.

What an adventure this is to be on. Some days are harder than others, but I know that in the end I will end up exactly where I am supposed to be and with who I am supposed to be with. I hope that for anyone as they go through life. So cheers to thirty and cheers to another year of learning how to play this crazy game of life xxx