It is interesting, the concept of mourning someone who is still alive. The fact that we can go through heartbreak so wrenching that it can take years to get over. It affects us so deeply to our cores that it is something that just lives inside of us forever. We are unwilling to move past it. It is a multitude of rocks weighing us down underwater and we are drowning.

My world effectively ended when you left. I was ready to learn how to live without you. I was figuring it out, until you train wrecked your way back in. You took advantage of a girl who you knew would do anything to keep you in her life. Did you even love me? I have asked myself this question so many times because how could someone truly love someone else and then ruin them for anyone else?

I wanted it to be you so badly that I put all my hope in that one day you would realize that I was the person you were supposed to be with. That I wasn’t just some side project for you to mess around with. I was someone who could really support you. I was someone who could be everything you needed. I held onto that hope not realizing that it was the end of the noose that was choking all of the life out of me.

I thought I had my freedom. I thought I was truly happy with the situation. I think so some degree I really was. I loved you with every fiber of my being. I would have and did do, everything for you. I would have crawled on my hands and knees through hot coals and scorpions if it meant I got an ounce of your attention. That sounds dramatic, but it is honestly the truth.

Then one day it all went up in flames. One day you were there and the next you were gone. I waited so long hoping that maybe it was a mistake. Maybe something else happened. The inevitable child came into being. But no. You just no longer wanted anything to do with me. It was that easy. You just moved on and forgot about me. Without so much as a goodbye. All those years spent investing into you were wasted. I was mourning someone who was still alive. A friend, a lover, and someone who I thought was my true soulmate. How fucking naive could I have been?

I went to therapy. That is what all the “cool” girls do, isn’t it? They go to therapy. They get better. They tell prospective suitors that they are, to some degree, healed. They pretend like they aren’t still stuck on the same person from years ago and that they are ready to move on. I really did think I was. I was ready to forget you. I had sat on the idea of you for too long. It was time for me to try and be happy again. Had I not been? What was holding me back?

Then it was him. I threw myself into investing everything I had into us. I wanted it to work so badly I lost all sense of myself in him. I lost who I was to try and please him. To make him want to stay. In doing so, I became the perfect partner. Submissive, obedient, a working man’s dream come true. But it all fell apart too. And I felt like my entire world was collapsing in on itself. It was like time stood still, but was crashing all around me at the same time. How could this happen? How did I miss all of the signs? Did I miss something early on? Was I trying to mold him into something he wasn’t? Where did it all go wrong? Where did I go wrong?

My therapist tells me not to blame myself and that it isn’t me, but how could it not be? How do all my relationships fail miserably and then almost immediately afterwards those individuals go off and find their forever homes? Am I cursed to this life forever? How am I supposed to live with the knowledge that I get to fix people so that they can find someone else to be healed with? When do I get a turn? I am exhausted. I am too broken now to even recognize what healthy is. I am too broken to want to stay with someone who doesn’t give me constant anxiety.

After him I became enraged. I hate all men now. I don’t know how to get rid of this feeling. Am I in the wrong place? I do not feel like this is home for me. I feel like a ball of pent up energy threatening to spill over at any time. It could be at work, at home, with friends, at coworkers…I do not know what to do with all of this rage except to channel it into my work, which is starting to not be enough.

No one wants to be alone. I have watched countless friends settle with the wrong people. Or I have friends tell me that they are unhappy and wished that they had done life differently. This is something that I don’t understand. Why is it that I have to be the strong friend? Why do I have to be the one who shows people strength at all times? Resilience? I just want to be held and told it is going to be alright once in a while too? Why is it that I am never good enough for something like this? When will it be my turn?

I don’t want to come off as sounding so pessimistic. I can feel that my friends are starting to not want to be around me. I am starting to isolate. I do not want to be like this. Why is it that when the strong one finally snaps people are quick to say that there were things that they should have done differently that would have helped manage the stress. That they shouldn’t invest so much time and energy into losers and or maybe “stop thinking about it so much”. How are these things supposed to help me with how I feel RIGHT NOW? As much as I want to, I am unable to utilize my therapy work and I am starting to relapse. I can feel myself slipping and I am afraid that if I don’t catch myself now I am bound to break and it is not going to be at a time when it is convenient for anyone.

I hope and pray that the Universe can take some pity on me. I feel like I have been in a never-ending crashing wave that I cannot escape from. I just need a second to catch my breath and I will get right back up and get back to work. I just want to understand why this is so difficult. Why does this character development have to happen to me? Have I not endured enough? Have I done something that warrants this kind of punishment? What did I do in a past life? I am not sure, but I hope that I atone for it soon.

If you’re reading this. I learned about what is going on in your life. Not from social media, but from mutual friends. I know that I am doing better than you from my own personal perspective and that is the only closure I am ever going to get I think. I saw your name one time towards the end of my last relationship. I hope you know it sent me into full panic mode. I never talked about you to him. There were a lot of parts of myself I had to hide from him. I don’t think I will ever do that again with another person. If someone can’t love every part of me and who I am and what I do then they don’t deserve to be with me. I think I have earned the right to be able to express myself and I am not hurting anyone by doing that.

There were so many other things I wanted to say, but I am still having a very hard time articulating my feelings right now. I found someone else who is a lot like you. He is also struggling with what he wants out of his life. It is funny and sad at the same time, that I continuously gravitate towards the same type of people. It is time for me to take my energy back though. I am tired of putting all of my energy into people who don’t deserve it. I know what I am capable of and so do you and so do they to some extent. They always come back at one point or another, so I think it is safe to say that I am not the issue.

One day you will see me on the street and you will have wished you had gotten enough courage to do what you wanted. To take your life and make it yours. To actually be happy instead of complacent. But I think that is also just me hoping. I can’t make any assumptions. That is also hoping that what I thought was real actually was at one time. You know what I felt for you. And now I am the one who is different. I am the one who has the vibe that everyone wants but cannot maintain. I am the one that everyone lusts after, but will never truly understand. I think I may be forced to be alone forever.

The saying is that “it will happen when you least expect it” and honestly I am so tired of hearing it. It is my LEAST favorite saying in the entire Universe at this point. I am exhausted and disappointed. I think that is due to the fact that not one person I have ever been with has been able to really elevate to the level that I needed. There are so many people I have been able to move on from, but you by far have been the hardest.

I have created so many high-quality men for future women and I am done now. If I have to character develop any more it is going to be into the villain. I say that even though I would never have the right heart to do anything truly diabolical. I swear one more fucking life lesson and I will give it all up. Dying alone sounds less stressful than what all of my friends are currently going through. I would rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t value me and is only looking for something to fill a void or take care of them until something better comes along.

I think this is the end of my rant. I know that it was a lot and I already have a vulnerable video posted as well so that will be very interesting. I am sure I will have more to say on the subject, but as of now this is all I am able to muster out while I try and figure out the rest of my life.

I wish you hadn’t been such a coward. I feel like we could have had such a beautiful life together. One thing I know for sure is that I am not the one who lost. Anyone who loses me is the one who has lost. But I don’t think I am going to be able to let anyone close enough in the near future to be able to figure that out.

XXX