I am so lost in the ghost of you. The past and old memories. They bubble up like boiling water…or like tiny sparkles in a champagne glass…sometimes they make me smile, sometimes I cry for hours. Sometimes I hate you. Sometimes I wish you could hold me again. Sometimes I wish I could just talk to you one last time. Sometimes I wonder if you ever think about me.

I’ll never reach out again. That was our deal. You would always be the one to reach out first. But so far it hasn’t come. Sometimes I wonder if you ever will. I think about every conversation we ever had. I think about the others like me who you’ve been with. I wonder if I was worth remembering for you. Do you ever think about me? Do you miss me at all?

It feels like eons ago and also like yesterday. The way it felt to be held by you, comforted by you, the reassurance washing over me like a warm blanket. I remember how at ease I felt. I remember the uncertainty too. The thought of when will it end? But mostly I remember the good times. The happiest times of my life. The aches in my cheeks from smiling. The tears from the laughter and sadness all rolled into one. Where did the time go?

I can’t really remember the last thing you said to me. Everything feels like a weird fever dream. I can’t tell what my mind has made up and what actually happened. It wants to remember one thing, but potentially what really happened could have been so much less sweet. The abruptness cutting and slamming like a car crash. Fast and violent. I just want to feel whole again.

Rage. That’s all I feel these days. It was probably my own fault. You told me to move on so many times. Wanted me to find someone to replace you. Wanted me to be happy without you. Told me I shouldn’t rely on you so much for my happiness. You were right. When you left it was like I broke all over again except it was worse. It was like you were forcing me to know. That you were never going to choose me. That it was never going to be me. Telling me, without words, that I was going to be alone again. Figure it out. You have to.

I wasn’t ready. You said you’d always be there in some capacity. I wasn’t ready for you to leave me like that. Cold turkey. No warning. Cut off. Goodbye. But not really goodbye. More like the worst kind of leaving. The ghost that doesn’t even want to stick around, but you can somehow still feel lingering. I just want to be free. Why can’t you just let me go? Even from your subconscious. I feel the pull. Where do I go?

It hurts. Sometimes unbearably. Sometimes to the point I can’t breathe. I’m seeing a therapist again. Hoping she can fix me. Hoping she can help me fix this ache. At least help me control this anger storming inside me with no end in sight. I haven’t been the same since you left if I’m being honest. I haven’t been the same at all.

I hope one day it hurts a little less. Maybe the ghost will exorcise itself. Maybe I will learn how to move on and let go on my own. Maybe one day it will all make sense. Closure is a bitch and only those who matter get it. So maybe I didn’t matter to you after all. Maybe you never loved me at all. A piece of me will always be with you whether I want it to or not. Haunting you. Living in your soul with you. Your twin flame. Forever connected. I loved you and still do. The one I want to run to, but never can and never will.

Maybe one day if you read this you’ll finally realize that you feel the same and you’ll come back to me. Or maybe you won’t. Either way, I will be slowly moving on. Little by little. One day at a time. I’ll inch my way away from you. It’ll hurt a little less and then sadness will numb. One day maybe I’ll feel nothing at all. But until then I’ll be here and you’ll be there and we’ll be ghosts for each other.