Sometimes I wonder if I am lost in delusion on a regular basis. If what I am trying to get to is a possibility or something unattainable that I am just desperately reaching for. Like running in a dream with the landscape stretching in front of me, it never ends and only gets longer. I think that maybe there is something there, but is my mind just playing tricks on me? Do I want to be in love, or do I just not want to be alone? Do I crave affection, or do I just want attention? I think that somewhere along the way my idea of love became so skewed that my mind mistook the bare minimum for the reality and is telling me that settling is the worst thing I could do, but maybe that is what I am meant to do.

There is so much love in my heart. I know because I feel it every day. The amount of love that I have for my friends, for my family, for complete strangers, for the people in my mind I haven’t even met yet, but am excited for. The future is endless, but right in front of me. There is so much I have to give, but I am so scared to break the few pieces left of myself that I am holding everything inside. There is so much hurt and resentment. It’s not fair to everyone around me.

Sometimes I feel like I am drowning. Sometimes I wonder if everyone secretly hates me or pretends to be a part of my life because it is convenient. Why does my mind hate me so? The anxiety eats me from the inside out. Every time I try to break for air, I get pushed back under, bubbles the only thing catching the screams. Why am I like this? Why would anyone want to be around me. Sometimes I don’t even want to be around me.

The fear of being alone claws at my chest. Sometimes I wonder if people can see it. The raw terror. Is it obvious? How desperate it is? I would rather sit in silence with another person than sit with myself. There is so much more comfortability in being around complete strangers than to sit in my own thoughts for more than a few seconds. Darkness is my worst enemy. I can’t be in the dark.

I often feel like a child. There are times when I meet someone new and it feels like a breath of fresh air. I feel like maybe there is a chance I can be normal again. Maybe I can have a friendship or something else. As soon as I start to have real feelings, my mind destroys them. It tells me all the reasons why I shouldn’t get my hopes up. Why no one would want to be with someone like me. Someone who is too independent, but also too needy. Too anxious. Too emotional. You share too much or not enough. You can’t regulate your emotions. You are going to project all your insecurities onto the other person, how is that fair? You are better off being alone than to subject someone else to all of your problems. This is why you are by yourself. You are a fixer. You fix other people so that they can find their forever homes. This is how it always has been and how it always will be. Just accept it.

But why do I have to? Why can’t I have a love like the kind I give to everyone else? Why can’t I be selfish for once? Is that so wrong? I go through this over and over. The constant cycle. The overanalyzing of every interaction. Was I normal enough? Did I do too much? Did they think I was too weird? Too sensitive? Too awkward? Did I give it up too early? Am I only good enough for hook ups? It never stops. I don’t know how to make it stop.

Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I listen to sad music or watch sad movies alone just so I can have some emotions. Just so I can feel something other than the overwhelming anxiety. Then it is just overwhelming despair. My therapist tells me that I need to feel my feelings and that I am allowed to be frustrated and hurt and overwhelmed. But for how long? How do I stop the spiral? Why is it when I meet the few people who help regulate me it is never for long enough. It is a blip in the timeline. Just enough to make me feel whole again and then they are ripped away from me. Making it worse. Why is my mind like this?

I am sure this is all extremely dramatic. These are all feelings I have felt over a period of a few months and have worked through in therapy. These are the ramblings of someone who is in a moment of weakness. Someone who is having a slight period of anxiety. Where she wonders if all the negative thoughts she has ever had are actually true and if everyone she knows is lying to her. Because how can people say, “you’re perfect, it’s not you it’s them” “you deserve the best” “don’t let anyone make you feel less than you are” understand that you are barely holding on some days.

Self-sabotage. Inevitable. Painful. Sometimes I wonder if I do it as a test. Push someone away so hard and see if they will stick around. See if they can handle me at my absolute worst. No..that isn’t fair. It isn’t right. But it is something I have done consciously and subconsciously for many years. I am trying to be better about it. I am trying not to let my fear win, but it usually does. I used to be “cool girl”. The one everyone wanted. The one who could ignore signs like no ones business, but now.. now I am tired. I am too anxious. I don’t know how to talk to people anymore. It feels like agony to wait for responses that sometimes never come. Self-soothing and telling myself that everything is fine only works for so long. Sometimes it doesn’t work at all. Why am I like this?

We accept the love we think we deserve. This is something I used to live by. I think if I keep doing that, I will certainly end up alone. What is worse: settling for something you know you don’t truly want or never finding what you’re looking for?