It is so interesting, isn’t it? How we think that some people may be in our lives for much longer than expected. How sometimes they are violently ripped away from us, or sometimes, they quietly slip out of our lives, never to be heard from again. Just to be a thought on a random day while you are sitting with other friends or alone in a shop or a street. Wistful. You wonder if you are too caring, too giving, if offering too much of yourself to others is a detriment. If it makes for a more painful life. But isn’t it also so much more fulfilling? To feel so much in a lifetime. To love and laugh and be so happy and grateful for all of the experiences. Sometimes I feel like I have lived fifty lifetimes in one week. Sometimes my heart shatters into a million pieces and I have no idea how I will pick up the pieces and feel whole again. That is the synergy of life. The ups and downs of it all. You are meant to feel it all and work through it and sometimes you won’t understand it, but at least you will be more alive for it.

So many times, I have asked the Universe why it gave me what it did. Why did it have to make ME the strongest soldier? Why did I have to carry the burden of understanding people to their deepest depths and help them become their best selves? Why did I have to be the foster home for lost souls? It just hurt me in the end. Watching people grow to their full potential only to leave and give it all to someone else. When would it be my turn? Would it ever be my turn? Was that a selfish thought for me to have? Was that a fair thought for me to have? Was I allowed to have these kinds of thoughts after being told essentially that it was my privilege to be the kind of person I was. To always be the strong one. To be the one people looked to for guidance. But when would I get to rest?

There was a time when I was so naïve and unafraid to ask for things, to go after whatever or whoever I wanted without fear of consequence or pain to myself or others. I was mindful of those around me of course. I wasn’t a child homewrecker, but I was sure of what and who I wanted and what I thought I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. But it was all slowly dimmed inside me. What happened to the girl who so loved adventure as my mother would say. The girl who did not care about what other people thought whatsoever. The girl who would go out on her own and not care about if anyone was looking at her or judging her. The girl who knew that in the end she would have herself and that was enough. What happened to her? Was the world that cruel that she was snuffed out? Killed in cold blood? Locked in a room with a gag and chained to the wall, never to be seen again? Sometimes I think I catch glimpses of her, if the rage is strong enough, the defiance and spite are just potent enough to illicit irregular actions. This is when that girl peeks out. Sometimes we call her Rachel.

In the last five years I have learned that you can’t trust everyone. Even the ones you love and care for the most. The ones you thought wouldn’t let you down are sometimes the ones holding the knife. I also learned that I am the product of my own manipulation and destruction. I bring my own pain and suffering by allowing others to dictate my moods and actions. I am not learning enough from my past mistakes, but I am working towards being better about it. Detachment mindset is something that needs to be studied and learned by all the soft-hearted girls out there. The lover girls. The bleeding hearts. We must do this to protect ourselves and to build healthier and happier relationships. Otherwise, we will never grow, and the cycle will continue.

I was so stuck on the fact that I was always doing so much for others, and I could not understand how people could not just step up and do the things that I was doing. Why could people not be more like me? Why was I projecting so hard? Why was it so hard for these people to just do the things I was asking and pushing for? It is because people have free will and their own individual personalities. These are not things to be controlled. We must learn to walk away if we must. It is not our job to chameleon to them We will only be miserable in the end. This was something that I had to learn over and over and over again, and it has broken me down to my core. Now it is time to rebuild. I believe in the Universe, and I trust its plan for me and everything around it. I know that there is something bigger than me at work. It is just hard to let go sometimes. It is hard not to always put out the negative thoughts. Sometimes I just want to be angry and hurt and blame other things for my problems instead of looking in. I have often lost myself to others. Loving them so much that I would do anything to keep from losing them and in the process losing who I am as a person. Changing my identity to fit into their life. But am I or was I truly happy? When I look back that may be why I hold so much resentment towards those people, when really I should be angry at myself for allowing myself to change who I was just to make someone else happy for a short time. I had a bad habit and sometimes still do of keeping people around for validation as well. I should probably figure out how to let these people go. Sometimes it is the nostalgia that keeps them around. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t fully let go for the sake of something deep down. I am not sure why I do the things I do sometimes. I know that by keeping certain individuals around it creates hurt inside of me. So, I have been looking to figure out how to let these people go. For good.

I think one of the hardest things I have learned from all of the painful human experiences I have had in the thirty-one years of life is that you cannot make everyone happy, and you cannot make everyone like you. You have to be responsible for yourself and it is up to you to have a fulfilling life. There were so many times that I had been on the path to greatness, and I think that is when the Universe tested me the hardest and I failed every time. I often wonder if these were to show that I am better off on my own. That I am meant to be in this lifetime without a partner and that I am supposed to continue to foster men to their forever homes and I am meant to be content to be on my own and enjoy my friends and just work until it is over. It would be nice to really believe that there is someone out there who will understand me and accept all the parts of me that I don’t think are lovable. That there is someone who will look at me and think that I am the greatest thing that has walked into their life. I want to believe it so badly. I do not know if it is possible for me. It is something that I will have to deeply meditate on and see what comes of it.

There is more I plan to write about this weekend. So for now I will end with this. You are always growing and learning. I think they say that if you think you cannot learn any more things that you are at the end. If you don’t think there is any more room for growth is when there is about to be a giant shift in your life. You are always going to face change and obstacles. It is what you do about them that define you. I think that is important. I hope that I can come out of this stronger than ever and I hope that this year I can learn to be a better, softer, stronger version of myself than I was. I want to be. I don’t want to keep repeating these cycles. I am so tired. I am ready for change. I think it really might happen this time. And if it feels like an infinite loop, it is because it is, but every time you come back around there is one slight difference. So, here is to more slight differences and maybe even bigger ones. As always, thank you for listening to the ramblings of a lover girl. Maybe one day she’ll kiss the frog and it won’t just be a frog. But until then… xxx