As I sit here to type this, I wonder to myself of all the things I have done in my life why has it led me to this? Why have all my choices and finite decisions led me to feeling like my entire world is shattering all over again? Every time I think I am finally getting ahead, that I have found the right people, that I am excelling in my career, something comes along and makes me question everything.

A few months ago, I was sitting in front of a Medium and she told me that I would be feeling relief soon, that the path I was on was the right one. The choices I was making and the things I was choosing were correct for my life. I was doing what I was right for me, even though it didn’t feel like it at the time. I felt like my whole world was crashing down around me. I felt like I was losing everything. The stability of my life was crumbling, all because of the poor choices of ANOTHER person. And here I was suffering the consequences of someone else’s actions and being told they were mine. How was I supposed to feel? How was I supposed to trust that the Spirit was guiding me on the right journey. Why is it that I was meant to follow the most painful and destructive path to realize things? Why couldn’t I have the path with sunshine and flowers just once? Was that too much to ask for?

Recently, many things came to fruition for me. I had to deal with a lot of petty and annoying things that did not need to be addressed. I had to face demons that I did not want to. I had to confront feelings that had not come up since some of the most traumatic parts of my life. I understand that for some, it is not that serious to have to sit with the pain of the past, but for me it is agonizing. To relive things that I thought were behind me all over again. To be confronted violently with things that I never wanted to think about again because of someone else’s selfish agenda. It is INFURIATING. I am filled with a deep, burning rage that cannot be stifled. I have not felt this way in a long time. I never wanted to feel like this again or ever. Why are there people who truly do not see any problem with their actions and believe that they are above consequences? It makes me think we are trapped. Whatever timeline we were sucked into, I want out of it. I never asked for this.

I have been told by many that I am a healer. That I attract the worst of the worst because I have healing energy and a calm demeanor. It is part of my Libra charm. My diplomatic aura. It is also my curse. That I will always give others the benefit of the doubt. That I must always learn and re-learn how to hold boundaries and space for myself first. I always give too much of myself at the cost of my own health and wellbeing. Why do I always forget? It is like I am unable to stop my bleeding heart from helping others before I realize I am trapped in the burning house or drowning in the middle of the ocean. How do I stop this? I am trapped in the never-ending Karmic cycle. The rage I feel is from eons of lifetimes and I just want it to end.

There is a deep sense of injustice that I feel from events that have recently happened and it is burning a hole in my soul. It keeps me awake at night. It keeps me from being able to function. I am going to bring it up with my therapist this week, but I know that it is something that I am going to have to re-heal from. Another triggering event against my already fragile mental and emotional cocoon. I am barely holding it together day by day. Watching the world burning and having to live life as though there aren’t a finite percent of the populous stepping on us as though we are nothing. It makes me sick and it makes me want to scream.

For the sake of my job and as this is a public platform, I will disclose that I do not have any “actual” intentions of doing anything about my feelings. But the rage I feel is real and deepening. I am hurt and I am tired of watching the wrong people “get away with murder” so to speak. The more time goes on without justice, the more the rage burns. The deeper it snakes into my subconscious. The more I feel the need to do something about it.

I have taken up many hobbies to try and busy myself and distract my mind, but there are only so many distractions one can handle before the mind has to wander. How long will it take before distracting isn’t enough? I don’t understand how people can just go through the day with things like this eating at them. Or maybe they don’t have the constant stream of thought. Maybe it’s just me. I can’t seem to quiet my mind enough to just be at ease these days. I am in a constant state of stress and anxiety. I just want to sleep and not wake up. Just for a few days or a week. Maybe longer. I don’t know how long it will take for my nightmare to be over, but I am so tired. So..so.. tired.

I plan to explain the happenings of the past few months better. I am still processing most of it and honestly, I am not sure how I will even be able to explain all of it. I am not sure if I want to even get into it at all. I don’t know if it will be worth it or make me feel better. It may not do anything at all. But I am just sitting in my cocoon of rage, and I have no outlet for it. I am scared of what may happen if it has nowhere to go for much longer. I don’t plan on going on any kind of rampage or doing anything rash. But I have not felt feelings like this in a long time if ever. I am hard pressed to remember a time where I ever felt like this. I hope it will end soon. I hope therapy will help me process and understand it better. In the meantime, here are the ramblings of an emotionally exhausted individual. As always thank you for the support.