3 Feb 19

Oh darling, what happened to you? Look. It’s time to LET THINGS GO. You said it at the beginning of the year. It’s time. You’ve come so so so far. Holy shit, no one thought you could do it and you proved all those fuckers wrong. Be PROUD of yourself. You deserve it all. It’s time to start realizing that. *______* is so perfect for you. He knows what you’ve gone through. Be easy on him. You know you love him. Why are you forcing yourself to hold back? He isn’t Steve and he isn’t like anyone you’ve been with before. It’s time to REALIZE that not everyone is the same. There are good and bad people and wrong and right times for everything. The gods are finally giving you something good so embrace it! It won’t be long. Just take it day by day. Enjoy the now and appreciate the little things. It’s always about the little things. You are so much stronger than you used to be. Don’t let people make you believe things that aren’t true. You deserve the world and a lifetime of happiness. It’s time to start acting like you do.

^I wrote this on 3 Feb 19 and a few days later I said the three words every girl hopes and wishes to hear being said to her. He said it first. For the record. I was so afraid and I put it all on the table. Sometimes it really is about timing and circumstances. The thing is you can’t make people feel things for you. They either do or they don’t. It doesn’t matter what you do or say, sometimes they change their mind. I am still learning that I have to be ok with that. I love that we are two extremely independent people. For whatever reason when I get into relationships I start to get jealous and clingy and I honestly attribute that to past traumas and being in toxic relationships. It isn’t fair to the people I am with who didn’t have those problems before me and I have to realize that sometimes I have traits that are toxic to others too. So I don’t know what the future holds, but maybe being alone is a good thing for me and him right now. As much as it hurts and as much as I feel like it isn’t fair it doesn’t matter. I still believe in fate and destiny and I honestly believe that if the gods want it it will figure itself out. Everyone’s strings are connected somehow. It’s just how they intertwine that changes.

This was a deep one for y’all. I’m still working on myself. I have flaws and I know that I’m never gonna be perfect. But I think that one day I’ll be ok enough not to project my insecurities onto other people and finally be comfortable and calm with myself. And maybe someone will accept that about me and we can work on a better future together. Only time will tell.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. And thanks for being patient with me.

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