Organized chaos…

As most things in my life have recently been turned upside down, I thought it’d be a good time for an update. Sorry it took me over a month.

“Am I seeing the type of people I’m seeing because I think I deserve it or because I don’t think I can do better right now?” – Something I said in therapy. It’s a weird thing to be conscious of the decisions you’re making in life. Understanding that there are reasons for everything and also being able to make choices and change your mind about them later if need be.

In six short months my life will be changed completely. Whether for better or worse remains to be seen, but I’d like to think that things will finally play out in a way that works for me. I’ve become more proactive in therapy and making sure that I’m acting on breakthroughs rather than passively ignoring my progress. I have been able to grow in how I see myself and others and how to navigate relationships in a more productive way.

Currently, I am seeing someone who checks almost all my blocks. He’s attractive, considerate, makes me laugh when I really don’t want to. I’m very happy. I don’t call what we have the “R” word (relationship), since to me that isn’t something that is plausible or accurate. We call it our puzzle. He allows me to talk through some of my past trauma, vent in a sense, listens, rationalizes, and helps me heal. Not all at once, but it’s a personal outlet for when I can’t get in to see my therapist every week.

It’s been an interesting eight weeks to say the least. He knows I’m writing about him in this post and even if he never ends up reading it (I refuse to give him the link to boost his ego), I appreciate him for everything that he’s done for me up to this point. It’s weird, catching feelings for someone you shouldn’t really have feelings for. My therapist doesn’t think I should use the word “can’t” because it’s a permanent type of thing, where feelings aren’t. They can change at any time and even if I have/had feelings for someone doesn’t mean it won’t eventually change. It’s more on how I manage those feelings and handle the consequences.

If I really think about it, there have only really been a handful of people who got a glimpse into the real me. Or at least saw through the facade that I put out on a regular basis. Perceptive people and those I’m close to understand me and know how I handle my feelings and emotions. Sometimes I wonder if I’m as good an actress as I think I am. I feel like I always have to put up a front of being a fun/cool/good time kind of girl in order for people to like me, but is that who I really am? Can I be fun without putting out on the first date, can I be a good time if I don’t drink every time I go out? The right person will like me for me and understand why I am the way that I am, but how many people am I going to have to explain my past to before one accepts it?

Is it wrong to be tired? To not want to try because you don’t think you’ll find something better? And then there’s that negative word again. Second guessing and the uncertainty that eats away at any confidence. I am who I am. I wish I didn’t attract the kind of people I do, but I know I can always say no or change my mind. When is enough, enough? Maybe never, or maybe something will come out of the blue and surprise me. The world is my oyster blah, blah, blah.

I’m losing my train of thought, but that’s where my head has been the last month and a half. I’m excited and terrified to start fresh, but I think it’s going to be welcome. If you ever feel lost or like you have no idea where you’re life is going, you aren’t alone.


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