Is your fridge running?

It’s been a while since I really sat and wrote down all the thoughts that have been running through my head over the past couple months. In July I gave a little insight into how I was coping with being in Korea, how I have been working on having more meaningful and lasting relationships, and how fear of the unknown has been weighing a lot on my mind recently.

Honestly, it’s been a bit more difficult as the military and Korea have gone back into the Stone Age and locked us back to post essentially after Seoul had another outbreak of COVID cases the day after we were allowed to go there (no I didn’t get to go *insert sad face*). It has been a miserable adjustment and I miss being able to go and sit in a restaurant masks or not. Where do we draw the line on safety? It’s been pretty frustrating to say the least and my therapist is set to leave soon so my therapy sessions have just been between my person and I, which are also dwindling.

It is also strange that after making some drastic changes in my life I seem to have lost some of the people who I truly thought were going to stick it out with me. I wasn’t really sure how to take it at first. There was a lot of denial, nights spent crying myself to sleep, a little bit of self-pity, but eventually I realized that if these people didn’t want to be a part of my journey then they didn’t deserve to be with me at the destination. As much as it hurts, I am better off without them and I don’t need their validation to continue on my path. I need to learn how to validate my own damn self by any and all means necessary.

This brings me to my next point: relationships. Although it isn’t going to fix itself overnight, I am finally and continuing to realize my worth. As my person has always told me on multiple occasions (usually while bawling my eyes out in the shower or in bed), I don’t truly see my worth, I don’t understand how amazing I am as a person; not just for my looks, personality, or body, but for who I am as an individual. I still am not really there. I doubt myself constantly, even in a stable situation I consistently question why this person has chosen to be with me and deal with my insecurities despite putting them to rest on a daily basis. How do I completely change my frame of mind to really understand the depth of myself? Of course I love myself and I understand that I am unique and amazing, but sometimes it seems like I need to do certain things at the beginning of a relationship in order to make someone stick around.

Setting boundaries in the beginning has been something I’ve worked hard on and usually establish early on so as not to lead anyone on or give mixed signals. It has worked out so far. Another issue I’ve been having is old skeletons in the closet coming back into my life long after I thought they had turned to dust. Do I necessarily still have feelings towards these people? Not really. Am I able to erase them from my life so that I don’t have to deal with them? Sure. Some of them I have, but in different ways they find their way back. They are more of a nuisance than anything, like a fly that won’t leave you alone at a BBQ while you’re trying to eat ribs.

I am hoping as my time in Korea draws to a close I will have a better understanding of myself in different situations, be able to grow from the struggles I have faced, and finally be able to grow and really focus on building better relationships in my life. I suppose that was all over the place, maybe I will be able to put my thoughts together more accurately later on. Working on posting some more of my short stories/poems for you all as well. Thank you for all the love and support as always. xoxo

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