I swear to god, I never fall in love

As tomorrow is my birthday, and another year closer to 30, I have been reminiscing about where and what I’ve been doing with my life thus far. On one hand I can count every single person I’ve ever really loved without a doubt. Those people will always have a piece of me that I may not necessarily want them to have, but they do nonetheless.

I won’t front. The past year and half has had its EXTREME ups and downs. I have had the lowest lows where I thought I was nothing but a failure that wouldn’t be able to succeed in life, to having highs where I thought I could conquer the world. I rang in the new year with amazing friends who are like family to me. I spent the following months having irreversible surgeries, getting life changing news, and realizing that life really isn’t as long as we’d like it to be.

A lot of things in my life revolve around the relationships I’ve formed throughout my 27 years of life. I am a passionate and caring human being. I make mistakes, love hard, and give more than I’m given. Through therapy and understanding my trauma, I have learned how to set boundaries in a more constructive way and explain my expectations early on. There has been a lot of progress from this and I have learned more about myself, how to communicate better, and what I deserve in the relationships that will follow.

I thought I hated myself for a long time, because why would I allow myself to go through all the things I have up to this point? How could I allow people to walk all over me unless I didn’t think it was what I deserved deep down? These are things I am still working through and trying to understand. My hypersexuality and my self esteem often clash and I am left wondering if people only want me for my body or if they are actually interested in getting to know who I am.

I have allowed a lot of people to touch my exterior, but not many people get to know the real me. I have been described as an open book, an over-sharer, too honest. How do you form relationships without these things? Am I that bad at weeding out the wrong kind of people? Am I not trusting my instincts enough? And then once again I end up alone wondering where I went wrong.

I have not been utilizing the sources and relationships I currently have in the correct way, I haven’t been nurturing the right things in my life and this is the year I change that. I have so many ideas and dreams that I want to make a reality, because why not? Why do all the corrupt and greedy people in this world get to have it all? Sure, not all entrepreneurs and politicians are like this, but its everyone’s race and only the best people win, right?

As I walk into my later twenties I have decided that I am only going to pursue things that bring balance and quality into my life. Value floats to the top as Kevin Zhang says in his webinar. That is what I want to bring into 27. And for all the years of ups and downs and suffering and failure, what’s a little more before we get it right? As always thank you for being with me on this journey.

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