It’s the ‘unlearning’ for me…

It’s funny how every time I find myself actually trying for a relationship the fear creeps its way in. I am almost always looking for an excuse to run away or make up scenarios in my head and ruin a good thing. A great thing even, before it even begins. I read something the other day that said that what we thought were our personalities are actually our attachment styles.

Where I am fine being alone when I am single I find that when I am in a relationship I want to do those things with the person I am with. I tend to focus on that person wholly which isn’t necessarily bad, but I feel like I am overwhelming them. I want to have the serious talks, but am afraid of rejection. I hate talking about my feelings because I feel like I will be invalidated in some way because of past trauma.

It isn’t fair to the person I am with, but I also know that the right person will want to grow and be with me regardless of my quirks and insecurities. I know I can be extremely difficult to be with and often I am afraid of the rejection and the heartbreak/loss. There are only two ways relationships can go. You either stay with that person or you eventually part ways.

I sometimes feel myself slipping back into bad habits. Feeling broken or extremely anxious or insecure about what is going on. I feel that if I don’t get constant attention or validation that the person doesn’t like me anymore. I feel clingy and I lose myself.

This is my realization. This is where I have to understand that I am doing the things I am doing and fight it. Know that I don’t have to spend every waking moment with someone to feel safe. Know that there are boundaries in a relationship and that separation is necessary. Everyone has to have their own hobbies and things to occupy their time.

This is one of those rare moments where I feel safe. Where I don’t have butterflies. There is minimal anxiety. I know that regardless of how this turns out it will either be a life lesson or maybe something really special. I don’t know how my heart got captured so quickly, but it gives me goosebumps to think about.

I am one of those people who would walk on the moon for the person I am with. I go above and beyond always because that is just how I am. I never expect anything in return outside of some affection or attention here or there. It means the most to me when I know I am being appreciated. Compliments can go a long way and it’s always the little things.

I know I still have a long way to go. I am trusting myself and the universe that the right things will happen as they are meant to. It hurts sometimes because I will always have love in my heart for that one special person and it will never go away. I feel the pull constantly and I still have the urge to just wait it out.

But a girl is tired. I just want someone who will love me as much as I love them. Really and truly without the strings. I just want the unfiltered, unabashed, unabated kind of love. I know it’s out there, I just don’t want to wait forever for it.

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