Everything I can’t say…

I have been going over this in my head over and over and I still don’t think I know exactly what to say or how to say it. But I am starting to think that the universe just wants me to be alone for a while. And I have been trying to sit in my thoughts and work on myself. My anxious attachment and abandonment issues. It is hard. I can’t even cry because the pain goes so deep. I am just numb.

I will never understand how people can just leave. Especially when things seem like they are at the best point, but that’s exactly what you did. I don’t know if you got scared or there was someone else all along, but the hurt and betrayal I feel is something you will never know about because you don’t care at all.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was just being passed off. I wanted to be with my twin flame, but I just don’t think that is something that is going to happen in this life. I am constantly pulled towards them and yearn to be with them, but I can’t. So, to try and protect what we had I hid those parts of my life. I didn’t talk about all the things I did before. I tried not to bring up old heartbreak. I tried to keep it light.

And then the one time I told you about my fears and anxieties you started to accommodate them. I thought you were trying to make it work. I was hoping that it could grow into something great.

I didn’t take a job halfway across the country just so I could be with you, but it would definitely make things easier. Not having to wait for so long to see each other and yet when you got here you avoided me. Maybe you were busy, but you could’ve just said that.

Then when it was finally convenient for you to get in one last lay and ghost you did. Leaving me with all these questions and a world of hurt. Because what did I ever do to deserve to be treated like this? Is that what every girl you were with had to go through? Clearly not because you talk to some of them. I guess I wasn’t toxic enough.

Why do I always have to be too good. I give too much. I try too hard. I want so badly to be myself and most of the time it starts to show through and yet it’s never enough. No one is ready. No one wants to rise to the occasion. No one wants what I have to offer because it’s more than what they can reciprocate.

I had a once in a lifetime love. I had the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me and none of it was real. It was all a rouse. Something to think about at night and dream about. Because sure there will be other people. Maybe I am reading into it too much. Right now all I feel is hurt. One that I don’t think is going to go away any time soon.

I can’t use people to make me feel better because we are only the main characters in our own stories. I have tried so hard to erase my pain with other people’s joy and it is never going to work. And this is my rude awakening.

I was really falling in love with him. I felt safe. I didn’t feel like I had to try that hard. There were so many things in common and I was so happy. I just don’t understand how people can do that. Talk about things like there’s a future when they know there isn’t. Why are people that cruel?

Maybe it was unintentional. Maybe someone better came along. I know that sometimes can happen. I just wasn’t the one looking for something better. I thought I was enough. I thought you were enough.

They say it’s bad when they don’t even stalk your social media anymore to see what you’re doing, but they’re still active. Sometimes that hurts more than anything. To know that they’re carrying on and talking to other people and you aren’t one of them. Why does that hurt so much?

I am always looking inward and wondering what I could do, how I can be better, but so far I am just at a loss. I don’t know how to be with myself. I used to a long time ago. I was so comfortable. Right before I got back with my ex-husband (then boyfriend). I was so content just enjoying being with myself and doing things on my own. What happened to that girl?

She died along with all the other pieces of innocence I once had. I know I am a different person now. A stronger woman, but right now I feel like the lowest of the low. I don’t feel worthy of anyone’s time or love or anything. This kind of emptiness eats away at you.

I need to learn how to sit with the shittiest parts of myself. I have been running from them for so long. I have been dumping them on other people. I was so emotional before and now I am just a shell of who I used to be.

This journey is not going to be pretty. It’s probably going to be the ugliest one I’ve ever been on. It’s going to be dark. But I know that I need to confront these things in myself. I hope that at the end of this I can be a better version of myself. Or at least not as broken. Not shattering on anyone else.

As always, thank you for being with me.

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