It’s that time of year. Everyone is getting married, having kids, even my own baby sister gets married this weekend. I really couldn’t be happier. The fact that I went through what I have over these past few years knowing that nothing I have ever experienced will ever touch her is more than anything I could have asked for for her.

I had a deep talk with my mom the other night and it really got me thinking from an outside perspective. That and on top of all the retrogrades, full moon, Libra in south node, etc. etc. (if you follow that kind of stuff). Essentially I am finally taking my power back and the Universe has decided that enough is enough. I have been stepped on, people pleasing myself to death and I didn’t even realize it.

It kind of started when I was a baby. My mom said that I was a force of nature. The little girls I tried to be friends with were afraid of me. Too intimidated. I was always comfortable with myself and it was society who decided that I was too loud and should be less of myself. I gravitated toward boys as friends since they seemed to be able to handle my boldness and it was history from there.

Dating was a cesspool from the beginning for me. I chose people who took advantage of my kindness, told me I should just sit there pretty and make them happy while they used and abused me. My body, my spirit, breaking off pieces of me each time. I wondered what was wrong with me.

Fast forward to my ex-husband. The man who shaped me into someone who I barely recognized. His borderline personality disorder dragged me down at every turn. Refusing to work on himself. Letting his insecurities wash over me and eventually, I hated him. Everyone blamed me for the divorce. The military life was too much, I should have just quit and become a good little housewife to a man who wasn’t even providing. Who did they think was the breadwinner in that relationship?

It was so funny to me. I flourished on my own again. Making new friends, dating around, and trying to find myself again. Trying to find the “me” that was untainted by society and did what she wanted. People always try to crush leaders. They want us to hide in the shadows and not see our full potential. That is what the army did to me. They crushed me down despite being the top lieutenant on the peninsula. They wanted me to fail, it was almost like a terrible prank gone horribly wrong.

It’s interesting, seeing where I am now. I thought I found someone who understood me, was willing to make it work. I thought we were on the same team, but once again I was fooled into thinking I was with someone who could accept me for who I am. I had to walk away again.

Each time I think I am learning something. It’s not that I have to be with someone, but the hope that I can find someone who will love me for me and want to be with me despite my flaws, my quirks, my friends, my past.

I fucking hate that the person who showed me that once before was also a coward and a liar. Maybe hating him will make it hurt less to know that someone who seemed genuine was once again taking advantage of my love and care. I knew that one day it would be over. It almost made it easier, but at the same time I wondered how it was fair that someone like that could have their happy ending and I still couldn’t. What the fuck have I been doing wrong this whole time?

It sometimes seems like I’m meant to be alone. To be the healer, the fixer, but I am so fucking tired of that role. I just want someone to take care of me for once. I just want someone to hold me and tell me that I’m fine just the way I am. Is that asking for too much?

I have spent so many years forgiving the people who hurt me, who treated me like shit when they had me, who acted like they were my friends when they were really tearing me down behind the scenes. I have overlooked abhorrent behavior from people who I thought were there for me when they were really hoping I would fail. It’s alright though, I am better for it. I can sense the fakeness, I can read the energy. I will not make the same mistakes for as long as I did before ever again.

This is the time of Libras taking back their power. I am choosing violence over peace in the healthiest way possible. I will not be taken advantage of, I will not always give people the benefit of the doubt, I will walk away when it feels wrong. Do not mistake my kindness for weakness. Those who have been with my through all my phases and stayed and cared for me and understand me know that big things are coming. I will not be sidelined anymore.

This is ME taking my power back, coming back to myself, and having the most powerful rest of the year. Don’t let anyone define your worth, especially not this backwards fucked up society we are living in now.

“When we ignore our own neglect for so long we become comfortable in the pain we have created” – Rhiannon Janae