After watching the new Barbie movie and feeling so many emotions, I sometimes wonder if I am doing something wrong. If you know you know, the speech America Ferrera gives about how it’s impossible to be a woman and the complexities we face on a daily basis. On a regular basis, I am always second-guessing myself, thinking that I am never enough. But what if I am enough and it’s everyone else around me that needs to figure it out?

I have done so much inner work with myself and I feel like I am always fixing everyone else around me to do better, but I am so fucking tired. I don’t know if I can keep doing this to myself. Why was I put here to be a healer? To help others? I understand that learning and growing is constant. It is exhausting and I feel like a piece of myself is chipped away each time I help someone. I just keep asking myself why. I don’t want to make it all about me, but I just don’t understand.

The last couple of therapists I had have told me that I am doing amazing things, that I have done the inner work, I get closer and closer to finding the right one with each failed relationship, but sometimes I feel like I just want to stop. Maybe I haven’t taken enough steps. Maybe I’m not really healed. Maybe I have more to fix in myself.

I feel like I am hard to love. Maybe I don’t explain my boundaries correctly when I meet someone. Maybe the people I choose make me dig deeper into myself into parts I don’t want to look at. The person who helped me see so much of myself has also made me feel like I’ll never be happy again. Everything hurts. I want to be happy and understand myself.

I am doing more work, I know I’ll be ok in the end. I feel like I write so much sadness, but in the moment generally, that is when I need to let out the most. I hope there is more brightness in my future. I hope I can find someone who accepts all the parts of me that I think are hard to love and not make me feel like I am not whole for it.

One day at a time.

When did it end? All the enjoyment
I’m sad again, don’t tell my boyfriend
It’s not what he’s made for
What was I made for? – What Was I Made For? (Billie Eilish)