Do it for you.

Funny how a couple of months went by like nothing. Does time just go faster when you get older? Feels like my life is zooming by and I’m barely living in it. Have I been depressed? Am I trying too hard?

It seems like when you try too hard everything seems to slip past you. You don’t really have a grasp on anything. You are putting in so much effort with barely any results. You barely recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror. What happened?

I decided like the stereotypical “Karen” to take a break from my social media for a while. It sort of eats you up and it’s like an itch you have to scratch. An addiction we don’t really think about, but it consumes so many hours of our day and then all of the things you were supposed to do become background noise. Poking and poking at you, but you just swat them away like flies.

While we are on the topic of purging, my doctor also decided that it was a good time for some bodily spring cleaning with a detox. So I am currently on a NO dairy, wheat, fried foods, excess sugar diet and have to drink a lovely concoction of minerals twice a day. Perhaps that is partly why I have been feeling extra meh.

Not to blame the diet though. There are a lot of changes I have been telling myself I would get to, but just watched hundreds of other people on apps do them instead. I have felt so unmotivated and miserable it’s a wonder I get out of bed at all to do anything.

A good friend of mine recently told me that I need to do it for myself. That I should find ways to do things for myself and make it a priority as difficult as it may be. Coming from her means a lot, especially considering she has four boys and is married to a military man. Both of us having been military it is interesting the idea of doing things for ourself since most of our life was spent doing things for the government who basically owned us body and soul.

I am trying though. I think now that I have one less (or a few less) distractions going on I feel like I can (sort of ) get back on track. One of the things I really wanted to keep up on was this blog which has painfully been left to starve without my writing.

I am learning how to live outside of the “fight or flight” mode that has been the better part of the last 12 years or so. It really is like going through major withdrawals. Constantly trying to relax while your mind and body tell you that is NOT the right thing we should be doing. That we should be on high alert and looking out for the next thing to go wrong. No wonder my system is so messed up.

I keep waiting for someone to tell me what to do. To show me what I am supposed to be doing. Looking for the adult in the room when the adult is me. How terrifying and unsatisfying. It is funny how you grow up and the naivety that was there is lifted and everything is horribly real and you are just there figuring it out. Understanding that the adults you looked up to are likely in the same boat you are with just a little more knowledge, or maybe less?

Growing up I knew that I was meant for big things. I always put so much pressure on myself to succeed (sans the Asian parents I should’ve had). I always felt like I wasn’t good enough. Wasn’t pretty enough, or smart enough. Always competing with people who seemed so above me, but why couldn’t I be like them? What made them better than me?

A couple years ago I was delusional. Living in a world where I was #1. The best. Fuck what anyone else had to say. I was fit, pretty, I made myself what I wanted. There weren’t any obstacles standing in my way. And then a relationship.

Why is it that men ruin virtually everything? Why do we base our self worth on what they think? A man’s world? Why the fuck is it? What are they doing for us that we can’t do for ourselves? Fuck it all. I lost myself in a man. I did everything I could to be the best for them and it didn’t mean a damn thing. I still wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, like fucking gone girl.

And now here we are. I am still learning how to be with someone else. To share a space, a life, how to communicate on a daily basis. How to live for myself and someone else. Co-dependency is a fucking killer and I’m holding the gun to my head.

So, take it from me. Someone who doesn’t take their own advice. Do it for you. Live for yourself, love yourself. No one will love you more than you. That’s just facts. Even when you hate yourself, you are still the one who is going to be there for you. Be kind to your mind. It’s the only one you have. Be kind to your body. Be kind to your heart.

Think about what your inner child would do if they saw you the way you saw yourself. Would they be sad? Hurt? Proud? Make a life you are PROUD to be living. Don’t let it flash by you and you are tied up in the passenger seat. Take the wheel. Show it who’s boss. Fucking let your hair down, roll down the windows and sing.

That’s all I have for now. We’ll see where we are in a month or so. Hopefully I’ll be back before then. Just remember that you’re worth it. I love you and as always thanks for being with me. X

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