Happy New Year ’23

It’s already the new year. Funny how some things escape notice. I spend the first part of the year trying so hard to get into a strict routine. Trying to find myself and create achievable goals like I have done every year before.

Then I realized that I was falling behind, another day missing the gym, another day not eating the meal prep I spent so much money on (thanks food inflation), another day missing my skincare routine, another day not doing what I had so meticulously planned December 31st…

Now we are almost to March 1st. I am trying to give myself some grace and understanding that not everything needs to be perfect, that not everything has to be exactly right, that sometimes people fail their resolutions and it isn’t the end of the world.

I am currently reading Atomic Habits and it has really forced me to look deep at some of the things I have neglected, but recently reopened in trauma therapy. It has made me question everything I have been working on. All the things I thought I was doing right were just the surface of what I should have been doing all along.

It makes me feel to some extent like a failure even though you don’t know what you don’t know. I thought I was doing everything I was supposed to and to some extent I was. I was doing what I knew and what seemed to work for the last couple years.

It’s funny how when you are healing it almost feels like you take a million steps back, you question everything, and you constantly wonder if you are doing the right thing(s). You wonder if this is how you are supposed to feel, if the anxiety is supposed to get worse before it gets better, or if it is all just a trick and you are actually falling back into old habits and things are getting worse and worse.

I feel like I’m drowning in myself. Recently, I have been seeing so many signs that everything I have been working towards is coming true. I sometimes feel like when things start to get too good I self sabotage myself. I do things that are retroactive to what I have been working towards. Financial freedom, the ability to travel, just being happy in life where I am instead of always looking forward.

When I get too comfortable I start to become self aware, I start to hate myself, talk down to my inner child, ruin all that I have been working so hard to build. Why do we do this? Why am I doing this?

I realize that I have been starting to question who I am and who I want to be. All the people I was pouring myself into, I no longer have in my life anymore. The ones who drained me of my spark. The ones who I changed myself for. They are all gone and now I am left with only the people who truly love and care about me and I can’t help but wonder if I deserve them?

I have been feeling a deep imposter syndrome and I am not sure if it is for the positive. I feel like I am not supposed to be where I am, I feel like I should be doing better, but I don’t know how to get there. Am I reaching too high? Am I trying to be too ambitious? Is it because I don’t deserve it? I just want to help others and I want to do better for myself. Is that so much to ask for?

It is funny, I recently saw that we create our own reality per physics and NASA. Literally objects only have permanence when we are paying attention to them and seeing them in the space we are in. That literally means we can manifest anything we want. I feel like a couple years ago I was doing so well.

I was happy truly. I had my friends around me, I had a person who made me the happiest I had ever felt in a long time, I had the body I always wanted, I was strong, passionate, I felt unstoppable. It all came crashing down though. I don’t know if I jinxed myself or the universe thought I shouldn’t have such a big head? Whatever the reason I was setback so far that I am now working to claw my way back to where I was before.

We are meant to grow and change, that is just a part of life. However, sometimes I feel like I am stuck in the same place I was before when I was as broken as I was lost. Like all the progress I made has crumbled and I’m farther back than where I started.

Our minds can make or break us. I think that it is hard to wake up one day and just decide to do something. I feel like sometimes if we don’t feel supported or looked at a certain way there is an almost passive way of going through life. Like why does it matter what I do if no one cares. I think that comes from my inner child since there were a lot of times I felt neglected or unseen.

As we start getting into warmer months, I am starting to focus on just feeling better about myself overall. My mindset is so trash right now I wouldn’t want to be around anyone who didn’t really know the real me and understand what I am feeling. I feel like someone who shouldn’t be in the body I am in now. After I worked so hard to be healthier, fitter, now barely recognizable.

They say when you get into a healthy relationship you gain that happy weight, but I also feel like I have lost a part of myself. I feel like I put so much of myself into being the right person for other people that I don’t even know who I really am anymore. I feel trapped inside myself.

I am always trying to be better about getting my feelings out, whether here or elsewhere. Hopefully I can be better about that at least. There are only so many hours in the day to keep up with everything.

My real dream is to finally feel at peace with where I am at and know that everything I am working towards will eventually come to me. If you feel lost too just keep on chugging and eventually we will all be in a place we weren’t before, but where we wished we were days or weeks or months ago.

Everything happens for a reason and whatever is meant to be will be. Thank you for being with my on my ramblings and I hope that wherever you are on yours you know you aren’t alone. xxx


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