Do I deserve to keep thinking that I’m the problem? Or potentially could it be possible that I am truly being protected from the wrong energies? I have been blaming myself and thinking that I am the thing that is wrong for so many years, but in reality, maybe it is just that the people I am finding aren’t ready for me. Or they can’t handle the kind of energy and healing I provide. I have long thought and been told that I am a healer. I have healing energy and that attracts takers. People who want to use me for their own personal gain. It is coming to light now how often and how much I have actually been taken advantage of, and it is staggering.

I am finally starting to learn how to set boundaries with others. Learning what healthy communication really looks like and how not to be afraid of rejection even though it does still hurt and it is still painful. It is alright to sit with it and it is alright for me to feel the way I do without guilt. Something that is still a work in progress. I am learning to forgive parts of myself that I was unsure even needed forgiving. I am learning the deeper darker parts of myself that have been locked in the dark for so long that the light is blinding them.

I want so badly to just be alright with opening myself up to others. To being available to finding something real, but the thought of it makes me physically ill. I don’t want another soul to know me like that, to be able to leave at a moment’s notice, and leave me to pick up the broken pieces left behind. Sometimes I wonder, “Why can’t I just be normal?“, but I know that I am on a specific path, and everything is happening as it is meant to, no matter what I decide or how fast I want things to change.

I have been thinking as of late if I actually like the person I am currently talking to. Is it some weird infatuation? Am I trying to prove to myself that I am actually a lovable person, and I need them to understand that they are too? This is the first time I have felt…calm. In really any kind of relationship or friendship of this caliber where I was not in a constant state of anxiety, and I felt like there was equal give and take. That I didn’t always feel like my presence was a burden, where asking for reassurance was met with it and even more so. Where consistency was the main part of the friendship/relationship, and it was actually not a constant battle to understand what the fuck was going on. It was not stress inducing. It is comfortable.

I am still trying to understand how I truly feel. I need to really sit and meditate and feel how I feel and make sure that I am not in some delusional world where I think it is going to be like some fairytale. This one feels different, but not. It feels safe. Something I have not felt for a long time with the opposite sex. I am tired. Mentally and emotionally and physically. I feel like I could sleep for one hundred years. I feel like I just want a break from my own mind.

I am sure this is a topic that is going to come out later..these are just some initial thoughts. It is something that I confronted recently and was met with a level of indifference that I am not sure I really fully grasp yet. I am not sure if I trust that the door is truly open still or if it is closing. Time will tell. It was never really open to begin with.

I hope that at the end of this I am at least still standing, figuratively speaking. I am so so tired. Snow is falling. I am falling. Into what I am still figuring out.