I’ve never been on a path like this before. I am finally recognizing the patterns and actually working to change them. I am stepping into the era of healing that I have been so desperately crawling towards for what feels like an eternity. I feel like it is all finally coming to fruition. I am not quite sure if my sense of self worth has completely shifted, but I certainly feel like I do not want to keep feeling the same feelings I have been over and over again anymore. I don’t want to keep feeling like I am being used and only at the mercy of other people going forward. I have autonomy and I know that I can make changes and choose things for myself. I have the power to walk away from things that don’t serve me and I know that I am strong enough to do what is right for me even if it rips me into a million pieces. I have put myself back together before and I will continue to do so. This is my blessing and my curse. I deserve the kind of love I pour into others. I think it is time I give some of that back to myself now.

I know that I have always been the kind of person who loves love and who always had too much of it. Who was overflowing and often into people who didn’t want it or maybe in the wrong ways. I realize now that maybe I was the problem, and to those I hurt I am truly sorry. I think it is possible to love someone too much. To expect too much from people and then when those expectations are not met to lash out isn’t fair to anyone. I am guilty of that; I am sure we all are or were at some point or other. I think accountability is important at this age and especially with growth and wanting to be better. I feel so self-aware at all times that I never get a break from the constant flow of thoughts that are telling me that I am the problem and that I need to stop or that I shouldn’t have said that one thing I said or why didn’t I do or say that thing differently? There are so many things running through my head now. There have been for the past few weeks, but I just haven’t had a chance to sit down and put them down. Life has a way of getting away from us and if we don’t stop and take a moment to acknowledge it, it is going to take us.

I have been really working on setting intentional boundaries as of late. Focusing on taking care of myself more, being intentional with my relationships, thinking about how I interact with people around me, etc. I want to make sure that my time and energy is spent the right way and if it isn’t I don’t want to waste anything there. I feel like I am taking back power by pushing back where people think I owe them things or that they deserve things from me. When in reality I am the master of myself, and I can give what I want to who I want when I want. No one gets to dictate anything about me or what I have except for myself. That is sort of confusing, but it makes sense to me, and again that is sort of the point of all this.

Recently I had someone try to cross multiple boundaries with me and then try to force me to keep them in my life. I then had to forcefully decline and remove them from all platforms. It didn’t necessarily feel good, since it does take some amount of energy even to remove people from your life, but at least I felt some kind of relief in knowing that I was able to do that for myself, where before I would just allow that kind of behavior in my life. I think there is some level of pain and solace in knowing that you have to let go of things that you know are bad for you in order to keep growing even if it hurts or you don’t want to or you have to face uncomfortable things that you didn’t want to in order to do that.

I am starting to read more into the “Let Them” theory, where you just sort of have to let people be who they are and you have to be who you are and not have the expectations and understand that things happen certain ways and sometimes not everything works out exactly how YOU want it to, but that is life and it is always moving and the things that are meant for you will stay and the things that are not will go as they are meant to.

I think it is important to remember that we can’t force things. I think that is something that I tried to do for a long time in my life. I thought that I had these grand plans and that everything was going to follow this specific order, and people were going to do xyz things, but that just isn’t how things are, and you can’t control people or things or the Universe’s plan. You can only control yourself and how you respond to things. I think that is something I am also finally coming to terms with. Learning to lean into living in the moment Trying not to be so self-aware. Finding that person who calms the raging thoughts in my mind. Finding the peace that I have so desperately been craving for so long. I wonder if it is finally a safe place to land?

I think that my main fear is that inevitably something will either continue to happen or it will end. Regardless of circumstances or what we want, that is just the nature of life and the Universe. Somewhat, both parties have to choose to want something and on the other hand one or the other can choose to stop wanting that something. Having to put some level of trust into someone else’s hands is terrifying. The thoughts of “what if” constantly playing. I know that isn’t the right way to live life. I know I have been burned before and I know it is impossible to avoid the flame forever. We are human and curious after all. But I think we are allowed to rest and take things in and know that even when we feel like we are trapped and there’s no way out, there is always some solution that hasn’t come to fruition in our mind. I know that I have grown so much over the last couple of years, and I have the tools to make the choices that are best for me. I hope that when that time comes, I am strong enough to follow through.