I have spent so much time trying to heal from the last couple of months. Replaying things in my mind and wondering what I could have done differently to change outcomes. Wondering if I have made the right choices and decisions. I moved homes, moved jobs, feel like I am living a completely different life. It feels like I have been running on autopilot, barely alive, functioning at the lowest capacity.

I want to say she ruined my life. Sometimes I feel like I blame others for my problems too much. But my therapist tells me that I have taken enough responsibility for the actions of others and I am allowed to feel angry, bitter, hurt. I feel all of those things and more. There was a deep rage for so long and I wondered ONCE again what I could have possibly done in my past lives to deserve that kind of hurt. Will I be atoning for it forever? In all my lives? Or am I finally figuring it out and maybe in the next one I won’t have to endure so much.

I think to myself that I couldn’t do what some people have done to me. Take complete advantage and not feel any sort of remorse for what they did. Not take any accountability. I wonder if I ever do that. Treat someone terribly and not take action from it. I always feel so terrible when I think I’ve done something, but I also had my own dark times where I know I wasn’t the kindest. Is that where the Karma comes back?

I feel so tired. Like I don’t want to do anything anymore. Trying in these awful times feels like such a strenuous effort I can barely acknowledge it. Like doing the bare minimum tasks feels like moving mountains. Why did we get the shit timeline with shit administration and a ruthless dictator of a President? I know I’m not supposed to say these kinds of things, but I am so angry and sad, and it feels like we got handed such a heaping shit pile we will never be able to dig out of. When does it end? When do we get our turn to be happy and carefree for once?

Trials and tribulations are only for those who can handle them. But what if I am tired of just “handling” things? I just want to have a soft life. I am so tired of always having to be the one to “figure it out” and just get back up after I’ve been knocked down. Maybe this time I will just stay down.

I have had so much success in the last couple of months on top of all the sorrow and pain. Some real wins that have propelled me further than I ever thought possible. I am trying to educate myself more, but sometimes I am just swallowed in the despair. The darkness seems endless and every day is the same. When will I feel alive again?

There is a small sliver of hope that maybe it won’t all be like this forever. Maybe there will be some random miracle where we figure out the mass is more than the few and we can stand up and save ourselves. Is that too much to hope for? I think we are all a little scared and want to be less self aware, but the moment I had the self awareness it was game over. I can’t go back and I can’t unsee what I have seen. I want to feel something, but right now all I feel is empty. A cog in the Titanic heading for the iceberg. Closer by the minute and more foreboding than we realize.

I know I say I will be back and that I will finally be able to regularly write again. Sometimes it feels good to word vomit my thoughts and feelings, sometimes it feels better to lay in bed and do nothing. Seeing the horrors of every day and what other people are going through is what is burning me. The empathy burnout is real. I feel everything all at once and I cry. How could we have let it get to this. I want to do something, but what? I am just one small insignificant person in the grand scheme of it all.

Maybe when it doesn’t feel like the world is ending, I will be able to sit down and form more coherent sentences. Make real points. Understand why I feel the way I do and really put it into words. For now, I am still processing the backblow of the last few months and trying to get back into a routine. I have hope that it won’t be this bad forever. I have to have insane hopes and dreams for the future so that maybe they might come true. Maybe one day it won’t be so bad. I have no idea if I am the only one feeling this way, but know if you feel like me, you aren’t alone.

May the bridges you burn light the way. Kindle the hope for the future. As always, thank you for reading.