I would just like to take a moment to talk about the instant my life completely changed. Not really for the better, but not for the worst either. In a nutshell, I can summarize it through Taylor Swift’s song Fifteen. If I had described high-school with just adjectives I would use words like crazy, interesting, stereotypical, obnoxious and overall overwhelming. As a freshman, I never would have thought I’d end up where I am now.
Of course there was the amazing feeling of first love, heartbreak, thinking I’d found my happily ever after, but of course, this was high-school; “when someone tells you they love you, you’re gonna believe them.” I “gave everything I had to a boy who changed his mind.” And that was more than once.
I did cry, I cried a lot. I cried for myself and I cried because I thought that there must be something wrong with me. After everything I did, he still left me, shattered and bleeding. This was the point in my life where I changed. I pushed everyone away, I mourned my loss (even though it really wasn’t a loss at all), I isolated myself from everything and everyone. I became an emotionless shell of my former self. I tried to make new relationships with different people, but in the back of my mind, I kept thinking that I would never be happy again.
In the last year of high-school, I finally found someone worth opening up to. He made me forget about all the things that happened in the past, he made me remember what it was like to feel happiness. I know that it sounds cheesy, but the place I came from was so dark I never thought I’d find light anywhere. He changed that for me. For once in a great long while I felt almost whole again. The bliss continued until I found out that he was actually in love with someone else (and he had been for a long time), but she didn’t love him back the same way (even though she had told him they would eventually be together). It caused pain in him that I will never understand or truly know how deep it went, but I knew it was excruciating. And even though everything inside of me burned with rejection I didn’t walk away. I stayed because I love that boy more than anyone can even imagine.
Now some of you are probably wondering why I didn’t just leave, why I stayed with someone who didn’t even love me. The answer to that is; I cared. Something important you should know about me is that I never leave people when they need me the most. So even though he didn’t really love me, he needed someone to help him through a tough time and I was there. Sure it was hard for me to cope with it. I really really loved him, so naturally, I was jealous and sad that it wasn’t me who he wanted to be with. I guess I was being selfish in that I couldn’t let go and I was using the excuse, “he needs me” to stick around. But honestly, I just couldn’t bear to leave him in that state.
Later on, we began to get close again, he started to slowly re-cooperate and I slowly started to open up again. This caused another change in me that I don’t know if I can ever recover from. I began to keep people at arm’s length. Many of my friends were already wary around me, wondering whether or not I was going to be happy or extremely sad when I was with them. Everyone was getting ready to leave for school and I was trying to hold my life together with string (failing miserably). I began to feel alone, even when I was with my friends, and it was making me go insane. I had to learn that even though my friends were leaving I shouldn’t think they were really leaving me. They were always going to be with me and I would still have him to help me through the transition.
Today I’m with that same boy and he makes me very happy. Sure we have our good days and our bad days, but we always have each other’s backs. Sometimes I push him away, but he hasn’t left yet. My friends (most of them anyway) are still around to support me and help me out when I feel alone. I’ve changed a little bit again. I’m never going to be as open as I used to be, but I’m also not going to be as isolated. My hope is to eventually let people try to help me instead of dealing with things my own way. I guess the future will tell.
I realize that this is very confusing and random, but I feel that I have left a little of my stress and anxiety in this post. Until next time. “Take a deep breath as you walk through those doors…”