I guess I have the topic of love on the brain these past few days. Seems like writing about it is gonna be the only way to get it out of my system.
Have you ever met someone? From the moment you open the door or see them sitting in a restaurant waiting for you, you know that they are going to make an enormous impact on your life? It has only happened twice for me. One was lust and one was love. It took me a while to distinguish between the two things, but it really hit me when I met love. He quite literally walked into my life and explained his way into my heart. It was absolutely the most effortless thing I have ever experienced and probably the most heartbreaking when it was over.
When someone you were so sure was going to be around for a long time walks out of your life, does it hit you like a ton of bricks? Or does it ebb and burn slowly, never really going away. For me, it was the latter. Occasionally flaring up and hitting me at the most inopportune time. What about when you think back to how you spent years and years with someone and never really felt at home with them, but meeting someone and talking for a few hours made you feel like you should be with them for the rest of your life? I’ve always heard the phrases “time is a fickle thing” and “if it was meant to be it will be” and all of the cliche quotes hopeless romantics cling to for dear life. Unfortunately, they don’t really do anything to quell the hurt when things don’t work out.
I’ve had such a strong feeling for a long time about someone that I can’t really seem to quench. Even though they aren’t a part of my life anymore, I can’t let go of the memories or how happy I was. How do you find that connection in someone else? How do you know it’s real when it was so profound and instant when you first found that person. Maybe it is all about timing. They came into my life when I was at my most vulnerable. They made me feel like I was on top of the world and that I could do anything. They would drop everything to help me and make me feel better when I was down. They remembered the little things. What do you do when you’ve had that in your hands? It slipped out like water or sand through my fingers and I’m so afraid that I’ll never feel that way again.
Maybe you find that person again when the stars are lined the right way and circumstances allow you to be with them. It’s never too late for soulmates right? When you know you know.
On the other hand, there are the ones who flit in and out of your life. The temporary short-term engagements, the one night stands, the ones you aren’t sure about who end up leaving on their own terms. It’s such an awkward part of life. Investing time into people who you know most likely won’t stay. But you’re never sure. What if they do? What if they force their way in? There has never been anyone who put real effort into staying in my life. There’s always something or someone else that holds their interest. I think for once, I would like to be someone’s first choice. I don’t know how real of a possibility that is in this day and age, but I’d like to hope. There are so many people in this world, there could be one out there who was meant for me, right? Maybe. Can’t really say for sure. I always have a running train of thought when I first meet someone and spend more and more time with them. Will you stay? Am I enough? Is it me who always makes them leave? Why can’t I accept the love I know I deserve? Why do I always settle for less?
It’s a little bit funny I suppose. Being patient was never one of my strong suits. It’s hard not to look for what you want, but maybe I need to just enjoy the ride and let it find me.
There’s my late night monologue. Goodnight everyone. Sweet dreams and thanks for reading.