After being out in the field for a week, I had a lot of time to contemplate and stew in my own thoughts. Why am I here? Why did I join the army? Will I be a good officer? Will I always be alone? Will I figure out what I’m actually meant to do here?
Maybe it seems dramatic. Maybe I’m overreacting or overthinking things. It wouldn’t be the first time. But I think that as time goes on and I keep learning new things about myself I realize that I shouldn’t blame myself, even if that’s easier said than done.
Isn’t it in everyone’s blood to want to help others and contribute somehow to society? I feel driven every day to make people better, to help my friends and peers, to love life with everything I have even on the bad days. It certainly isn’t easy and I struggle every day. It takes effort on some days to accomplish even the simplest task. I complain about things on a regular basis and sometimes I wonder if people even want to be around me.
I feel a general sense of emptiness. I am extremely fulfilled when taking care of and helping other people.
Alright, so I started writing this two days ago and honestly just sort of left it because of a mental block and so now I want to go off on a different tangent.
I think that I’ve put too much stock in worrying about where I need to be instead of enjoying where I am now. I’ve met amazing people. I focus too much on approval and if I’m going to end up alone over the fact that I am surrounded constantly by wonderful people who love and care about me. Why is that? I always wonder about the future and what things are going to be like, but when things are happening RIGHT NOW I can’t seem to stop and appreciate that.
The grass is always greener isn’t always true. I have to start learning not to look for the “next best thing” because I think that we’re living in it now. In worrying about the future I’m unhappy in the present because of the constant stress. I am worried that I won’t find the right person or that the friends I have now will fall off.
The right ones will stay and I have to understand that no one owes me anything and they will leave if and when they want to. It isn’t up to me whether people stay and it isn’t my fault if they leave. I have to learn this.
It’s not me.
It’s not me.
It’s not me.
It isn’t you either. Sometimes it’s just life. As much as that sucks, it’s the truth.
I’m off the soap box now. Maybe I’ll finally start listening to my own inner voice instead of letting it fill me with doubt.
Thanks for listening, as always.