Bad Guy

It’s strange how someone can mean everything and nothing to you all at once. How many broken hearts have I caused, how many chances have I thrown away? It’s unfortunate how as humans we sometimes fail to empathize and remember that we all have feelings and some of them are the same. Sometimes I’m the bad guy and I don’t always remember that. So, here I am looking back on those times.

Unrequited love, missing people who don’t think twice about me, pining over people I can never have. I’m sure there are people out there who feel that way about me. Oceans between us and I can still feel the energy and pull of our souls. Is that how fate weaves people together? Do we sometimes stay connected to people in a certain way forever? If that is the case I don’t think I’ll ever settle down.

Insecurity makes fools of us all. How is it that I can give my heart away to someone in one way and completely shield it from someone in another? He did everything the right way, except his insecurity kept showing through, pushing it onto me, into me. I can’t be overtaken by someone else’s personality again. I can’t let someone else dictate my emotions and what I do, again. I had to let you go and you have to learn how to be your own person.

Vibes are different. Yours were so aligned with mine I sometimes forgot where you ended and I began. I loved you, but I wasn’t in love with you. I don’t think I could picture forever with you, but sometimes my dreams would slip. There are so many songs that remind me of you. I force myself to listen to them and remember the good times. It doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would, but sometimes I wonder if I ever cross your mind, or if everything we had meant nothing to you.

He says he misses me. Sometimes I believe him, but mostly I think he’s just lonely. I don’t want to think I’m as memorable as some people lead me to believe. It makes me feel like someone cares, though. Sometimes I feel like I’m leading them on. I guess I am, but I’m so afraid of dying alone that I keep them around. Maybe I’ll have a house full of them one day. Like a female Hugh Hefner, all the playboys in one house and I their queen.

And then there’s you. The one who is always there in the end. I’d like to think I know how you feel about me. Communication wasn’t always your strongest quality. Or maybe I just wasn’t asking the right questions. You’re everything to me. In the end I could see it being you and me. Maybe it won’t be anytime soon, maybe the last thing we do is hold each other as the world ends.

It doesn’t seem right, that I fall in love with different parts of people, that I love and lose and still only want to find someone that loves me back. Or maybe I’m just obsessed with the idea that monogamy is something that I could have. I’m not so sure some days, others, I just want to know I have something to come home to. Maybe it’s just a manifestation that is only going to live in my mind.

I know that all of that didn’t make all the sense it should’ve. I don’t make a whole lot of sense these days, but that’s part of the growth. Sometimes certain life events change you, make you look at things from a different perspective. Sometimes trauma makes you change your outlook on life as a whole. I’m still here and I’m still me. As always, I thank you all for following and learning with me on my journey through this life.

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