What comes next?

“Don’t fall for me,” that’s the first thing you said to me. Just friends with benefits. That’s all it ever was. So, why is it that every time, one or the other starts to have certain expectations? Pushing me away just made me want you more. Sometimes I felt special, but then I would snap back to reality and remember what you’re going back to. Just like all the others. What does that make me?

I’m more than a pit stop or a bump in the road for people to use. I like having fun on my own terms. Maybe that’s the problem. What if I have this idea that I don’t care when I really do? My therapist says I have different “faces”. How many people have seen the real you? Why do you refer to yourself in the third person? It’s just you isn’t it? Or is it….

Every time I show my true authentic self I am terrified of the rejection I could face. In relationships it either is or isn’t. You either end up together or it ends. So, how can you maintain composure if you are going into it expecting it to inevitably end? Anxiety and the fear of not knowing can really do a number on your subconscious.

I have never regretted any person I’ve ever been with. They all had their lessons, some took a few more tries to learn and some I still haven’t figured out. It’s a learning business unfortunately and it’s gonna take a few more tries before it starts to stick. What happens by then? Maybe I’ll be a spinster with 40 cats and that many more stories to go with the loneliness.

I’m not really sure where I was going with this one. Someone I cared a lot about left today so maybe I’m just in my feelings. I like to think it’s just see you later and not goodbye, but who the hell really knows. People say lots of things they don’t mean now a days. For someone who claims to not care or have feelings, I have a soft spot for a choice few individuals. One day I’ll figure it all out, but until then, thanks for listening and fueling me.

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