It has been about a month now. It’s been hard to write anything. I’ve been pretty lost. Unsure of myself and everything in my life up to now. I tried to think of things to say, but I couldn’t even write more than half a page in my journal. All I could think about is how I let everyone down, what a disappointment I was to my family and everyone I cared about. How could I express that without breaking down?
I guess everything circles back to the decisions I made up to this point. How love and heartbreak are always going to be part of my story. Insecurity about where I stand with certain people. Is it me or just my body? Am I ever going to fill this empty space?
In my heart I think I’ve always known its been him. Just how he made me feel when we first met. Like I was falling with a million butterflies in my stomach. We talked all night about everything and nothing. We laughed until tears were running down my face. I hadn’t been that truly happy in a long time. I wondered how this random person had walked into my life like this.
Communication is a big part of my life and how I gain footing and security. There were days I wasn’t sure if there was anything real. How could you be fine with going days without seeing me or talking to me and yet make me feel like the only person in the room when we were together? I still feel like that on most days. I just don’t really know how to convey that without sounding selfish.
I’ve always prided myself on being a strong individual. I don’t need someone to feel complete or happy, but for some reason you are the one weakness I have. I want to share everything with you. I want to tell you all the best and worst parts of my day, but generally I hold myself back. How do I explain everything from half a world away? I don’t want to burden you. I want you to share your life with me too, but I feel like it’s too much to ask with everything going on.
I love talking to you and seeing your face. I wish we could do that every day. I want to wake up next to you one day and so we don’t have to do this. Not hearing from you brings up feelings I wish I could bury and never feel. Insecurity, jealousy, fear, anxiety, loneliness. I don’t have any reason for these, but it can’t exactly be helped, especially considering my past experiences.
I don’t want to seem needy or annoying. I hate saying that. I don’t want to be sorry for wanting to hear from you every day even if it’s only “good morning” or “goodnight”. I hate getting excited when my phone lights up and it isn’t you. I wish there wasn’t an ocean separating us.
Love me in your own way. I understand everyone is different, but I also know what I want and need now. I don’t want to know that someone who spends 90% in the ocean thinks of me as soon as they have service and can message me and the person I want to hear from most doesn’t. Assuming makes a you know what out of you know who, but it is what it is.
I haven’t wanted something this bad. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. Sure there are temporary engagements, flings, one night stands. But not something that wakes me up and makes me actually feel something real. Maybe that sounds selfish, but it’s how I feel.
I don’t doubt that there is something there. I don’t doubt that you want to be with me. I’ve just been told so many things and rarely is there anyone who follows up their words with actions. I just want to be sure. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I don’t know how to tell you how insecure I am. I’m sure you’ve noticed. I don’t want to ruin anything. I’m afraid to ask for too much. I’m too scared to even say this to you in person.
So bear with me. Talk to me more. Know that on the other end of the line is someone who has no idea how to navigate this. Someone who just wants a little more affirmation. Who wants to know it’s not all in her head. Maybe I’m just crazy, but sometimes that’s what love does. Makes us all crazy.
Thanks for listening.