I’d rather love than be heartless…

This part doesn’t ever get easier. I thought it would just be fun. In my mind I tried to force myself to see it that way. But your awkward charm and the way you paid attention to me put me over. It’s not that I fall in love with any person who shows me any bit of interest, but this felt different. It seemed like you actually cared. Whether it was in the bedroom or just talking. Then New Year’s Eve happened and I was smitten. It was one of the best and worst nights because I knew that I was falling for you and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it.

I didn’t know about your past and I didn’t ask. I didn’t realize how dark things were. I didn’t realize you were still in love with someone else. And just like that I was back to square one, where I was just a temporary distraction. Something for you to fill the time with until you left. We never had a chance.

Even though I know it wasn’t my fault. I still felt like I was inferior. That something must be wrong with me for someone to be so nice to me and treat me well, but feel absolutely nothing for me in return. Another stop on the road to something better. Always the middle man and never the destination.

It hurts. When you start talking less and less. Realizing that it’s finally ending when all you want to do is hold on for dear life. Falling back into that deep pit you tried so hard to dig yourself out of. Happy temporarily only to dive headfirst back into the depression. Uncertain about anything in your life. It’s sort of funny what heartbreak does to the body and mind. Like a physical pain.

I should’ve known better which is something I always tell myself, but I’d rather fall in love a million times to feel something than be unhappy and hide from life. I’ll break my own heart a million times before I ever become bitter. I have so much love to give. I just have to be more careful with how I share it.

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