As Einstein said, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again with the same result. I think I’ve heard this used in a different context as well, but I can’t remember what it was at the moment. It’s sad though, when you feel like you’re in a never ending loop of doing the same things when dating; changing a little bit, trying to be more like yourself without chameleoning to the person you’re dating, but it always ends the same. They end up having other things going on and they can’t commit to you and there begins the cycle.
It’s hard not to think there’s something wrong with you. To think that there must be something the other person just can’t commit to or finds as a flaw. Maybe it really isn’t, but after being rejected over and over again it’s hard not to think there must be something really inherently wrong with you. Long distance in itself is a fucking miserable situation to be in. Especially if you’re someone who NEEDS physical connection and as a love language is how you communicate with that other person.
I try so hard to show how much I care about someone by communicating as much as possible and sending gifts and when possible physically showing what that person makes me feel. You know that feeling when your stomach is in knots when you get a text or see a picture of that person you have feelings for? It’s hard not to know what’s going through their head when you can’t see or be with them. It’s hard to develop feelings when you don’t know what their expectations are or what their feelings are. Maybe slowly or all at once you feel this deep connection with someone and as you’re trying to develop it, something gets thrown into the mix that completely uproots all of your progess.
I never thought that a VIRUS would completely throw my life into a hurricane that I can’t seem to recover from. All the progress I felt like I had made just out the window. 10 steps back. Depression creeping back like that shitty guy who ghosted you and is just now realizing how bad he fucked it up. That annoying pain in your chest that you get whenever someone you thought you’d maybe have a chance at a future with leaves you. That emptiness and sadness that comes with losing someone who wasn’t really truly yours to begin with, which somehow makes everything worse.
How do you consistently recover from something that seems to happen regardless of trying to change the pattern? How do you enter into a relationship and explain to someone that all you want is honesty and communication without letting slip how much trauma you’ve been through that makes trusting or letting anyone in so fucking hard? How can you let someone in after losing someone you were ACTUALLY in love with? How do you move on when you desperately want to hold on? How do you stay soft in a world that is purposefully trying to break you down? How do you not feel like a victim and not like everything and everyone is against you? How do you allow someone to try and take care of you for once without being completely terrified that they aren’t just going to leave when the next best thing comes along?
So many sleepless nights tossing and turning, dreaming about you, wishing the circumstances could be different. Did I imagine the chemistry? Did I imagine how you made me feel? Did you ever feel anything for me at all? Was it that easy to push me out of your life? Was it that easy to move on and forget everything we had together when we did? How do I not feel betrayed?
On the other hand…nothing was established, we didn’t make any promises, everything was hypothetical, it was all fun and games until someone got hurt. Do you ever dream about me? Do you ever think about me? So many questions and most likely answers I’ll never get. I know I deserve the best, but what if I just want you? What if you made me feel like I didn’t have to change who I was? What if you made me the happiest I’d been since my accident? What if I felt like I finally found someone special and I am so scared that I won’t feel those things again…
I have no hard feelings. You told me the truth and that’s all I ever wanted. I wish I didn’t have to ask for it, but I understand maybe you didn’t want to hurt me, even unintentionally. It’s going to hurt regardless. I wish I knew what the Universe had planned for me. I wish I could see the future and know who I was going to be with so that I could just prepare for that. As much as I love the journey, getting hurt is starting to become more of a pain in the ass than just staying inside and waiting for someone to break into my house.
Maybe it’s the place. Maybe it’ll change when I get home. Maybe a fuck boy is always a fuck boy. But honestly, you were never like that at least from what I could see. Maybe the expectations in my head were too much and I just accepted the person I saw in my head. The issue is that I can’t erase the memories. I can’t erase the laughter, the late nights, the dancing, the way your hands felt on my body, the way your lips felt on mine. That isn’t anything that’s going to go away anytime soon. I wish I could just be an emotionless shell of a person and not have to feel these things, but unfortunately that isn’t what makes us human.
Every day is a new day. Despite the shit show that goes on in the background, we can always wake up and start over. Am I moving forward? Am I making decisions that are going to better me in the long run? Who knows. All I know is that I can’t give up even when every fiber of my being just wants to go to sleep and not wake up the next day. Even when I just want to drink myself into oblivion and not feel anything. Live and let go. Everything happens for a reason and everything that is meant to be yours will come back to you one way or another.
I have no idea where my life is going and most days it feels like I’m going down hill in a wagon that is losing all its wheels, but I know that I’ll eventually reach my destination and I’ll be exactly where I need to be, doing what I need to do, with the person I’m meant to be with. Until then, I’ll be riding this insane roller coaster called life and I’m thankful that I get to share it with you all. So, if you ever feel like you don’t have control, try and remember that you aren’t alone and that someone out there feels just like how you do right now in this moment.
As always, thank you for reading xxx