There is such a fear in finding someone you feel like you want to spend forever with. It doesn’t matter if everything is going swimmingly or there have been zero indicators that there are any issues whatsoever. When you are someone who has faced heartbreak, leaned into it even, there is that constant worry that the other shoe is just waiting to drop.
It is like a double edge sword. You want to think that everything is fine, but there is always a nagging voice in your head saying that they’re looking for the door or something better is going to come and take everything from you. Every time they don’t respond right away or you don’t hear from them for a while you automatically think that they have moved on from you.
There are always irrational fears, maybe they feel valid to you, but if there isn’t anything indicating a sinking ship then it’s just undue stress on yourself. Something I have mastered and also something I’m working through in therapy. When talking about my current “relationship”, something that has not officially been established, my therapist asked me if I was happy with where things were sitting at the moment as I am too afraid to try and push for anything until I can see this person face to face.
After thinking about it, I decided that I am and I’m not at the same time. While there are aspects that I love i.e. texting daily, random facetime calls, meme sharing, flirting constantly..I am worried that maybe there isn’t that solidity in that I want this person to see me as more than just someone who is funny all the time. I can be serious and though I have alluded to wanting to be something more intimate relationship wise, it is something that is always skirted around.
This isn’t something that is going to solve itself in the limited amount of time we actually got to spend in person with each other (about 1.5 months, 3 with talking once he went home). It’s something strange to navigate, especially with the military being involved as well as distance. It’s right around the time those insecurities start to show and the fear that it’s too good to be true starts to be at the forefront of all my thoughts. Am I trying too hard? Could I be doing something better? Maybe it’s getting tedious when the only things you can talk about are work and the excitement of seeing each other when this insane pandemic ends.
I try to be happy with all the little moments we get to have with each other in this weird time. I don’t want to make assumptions or over worry which is definitely something that happens a lot. I am still all about self love and doing my own thing which has been alright, but with quarantine and everything else it is hard to find things to do that involve not bothering said person and/or driving myself insane with overthinking.
One day at a time. That’s all anyone is able to do anymore. It’s hard and frustrating and infuriating even. Relationships are forced into a sort of expedited timeline and/or stop completely. I appreciate what I have and I know that some people aren’t as lucky or a stuck quarantined with someone and learning WAY too much about that person very quickly. Hopefully, we all come out of this with a better understanding of ourselves at least, a stronger mind, and open hearts.
I am sharing my crazy journey with all of you and hopefully you can relate in some way and know that at least you aren’t the only one feeling all these crazy emotions alone. Grow yourself and we’ll get through it together. Thanks for listening.