Funny how in the middle of a pandemic people have time to reflect on their lives and look back on their pasts and the way things turned out in a lot of situations. Personally, I like to look at my life in a way that everything happened for a reason, and even if it wasn’t the way I wanted it to go or the way that I expected it all worked out for the best. I think that people with a guilty conscience or those who want closure for the way they treated people are not necessarily weak, but you definitely have no responsibility to forgive them or make them feel better for what they did. Which brings me to….
Of course there are all those memes about texting your ex during the pandemic and those saying that they’re regretful about how they took you for granted and yada yada. Recently, I’ve had a few reach out and “curiously” ponder about the “good times” and ask how I’m doing in my life, etc. I have effectively shut down any hopes for a reunion friendly or otherwise and questioned why I didn’t block these people completely from my life after everything that happened between each respective party whether it be ghosting, using the old “it’s not you it’s me”, or just straight up saying they don’t want to fuck with me anymore. That last one is preferable to the alternatives for me personally.
I recently had a conversation with Germany which was a particularly harsh one (and one I have been working through in therapy) and he decided that he would just reach out and ask how I was doing in Korea and with the military like nothing ever happened between us and it was all water under the bridge. I POINTEDLY reminded him that two days before I was supposed to come visit him he GHOSTED me and left me to explore an albeit beautiful country all on my lonesome with zero explanation outside of “needing to figure out what “I” want and not being sure if I was something that was part of that”. He skirted around that point and explained that he wanted to reach out so that interactions on Facebook posts of mutual friends wouldn’t be so awkward, to which I replied that I was being cordial and that it didn’t need to extend past that. Long story short he ended the conversation with “I was just trying to figure out MY stuff and sorry I couldn’t be there for you” and I just said “I understand, but I just wish you had figured that out sooner rather than later” and he never responded. I deleted the whole conversation, but haven’t blocked him on anything.
I constantly ask myself, why don’t you just block these people and be done with it? I think that it stems from somewhere deep down in my pettiness that I want these people to see how well I’m doing without them. Regardless of whether or not they’ve moved on with other people, I want them to see how happy I am and how well I’m doing even if it’s just a facade. Obviously, with the pandemic and quarantine, its been a little hard to be happy and upbeat. My mental health has definitely taken a nose dive and all these ghosts coming out of my proverbial walls aren’t improving anything.
How do people handle these situations? We are in a crazy time where things keep popping up and there is that desperate need to be close to someone in this forced loneliness. Maybe old feelings come up and there is that nagging feeling to close and lock those doors that keep swinging open as a reminder of all the terrible things you did. I have not had any of those feelings because I do not feel that I have done anything wrong and I tend to tie up my loose ends when things end in that moment and not later. It’s strange how the male brain works in that they end things without feeling and those feelings manifest later. Maybe that’s why people who ghost you come back and try to reincarnate relationships later because they realize that they fucked up and lost something good, but by then the person they left has already dealt with their feelings and left that behind. Curiouser and curiouser.
I suppose I’m not really sure where I wanted this to go outside of think about the “why’s” of a person’s own self interest and wanting closure. It is a little bit of venting about exes reaching out and the annoyance of it even though I’m not going to do anything to prevent that because of strange need to prove I’m doing alright and am mature enough to take on those conversations as they come up. However, I do not feel any need to validate someone’s feelings or try to make them feel better about what they did to me because that’s fucking crazy. If you hurt someone you don’t get to decide that you didn’t or whatever Louis C.K. said. If you hurt me and get upset when I don’t respond in the way you want afterwards then you’re just a sad person who needs to figure out their own self love and validation. I am NOT responsible for your feelings and if you think otherwise about anyone in your life then maybe you need to reevaluate some things.
This sort of turned into a long rant. I know it has been a while since I wrote anything and for that there really isn’t any explanation other than I needed some time to figure out WHAT it was I wanted to write about and get off my chest. There may be a double post today as there are some other things I’ve had on my mind for a while. Might fuck around and get a short story out there. We’ll see. As always, thanks for reading.