Begin again

It’s been a year. A year since something happened that completely flipped my life upside down. Something irreversible, regrettable, and shameful. It’s not something I can completely open up and talk about now, but know that it is something I think about constantly. Something I worked on in therapy. Something that I consider Karma coming back and putting me in my place. Was it the push I needed? Waking up miserable isn’t really a life. Not being able to form stable relationships isn’t a life. Living paycheck to paycheck isn’t a life.

Did I manifest the change I needed in a destructive way? Something so innocent turned into something horrendous. How was I supposed to know? Or I did and I chose to ignore every red flag on the highway to the bitter end. I have spent so much of my life pondering on the past. Thinking that if I had done things differently, maybe I’d still be with that person, have that job, be more successful, etc. How do you get out of that mindset? The event triggered an almost irreversible anxiety that was already present, but is now magnified. Am I destined to have horrible things happen to me forever? Never finding peace or happiness and ending up alone?

Of course these thoughts and feelings are a bit illogical, but still relevant to me and very much present in my mind. Am I really good enough? Can I do better? Why do I always choose the wrong path? Even the one of least resistance led me to people and choices that are ultimately going to hurt me. But I chose these things and have to live with them.

What happens after all this? My greatest fear is being stuck in the same place forever, dying a mediocre life and never having done anything impactful. I know I’ve helped people here. I have made a difference in one way or another. Once choice led me to meet so many people who have helped me grow in ways I didn’t think were still possible. I have loved more in the past year than probably my whole life combined. But what did I gain from that? How do I support myself after all this? How do I fight for what I want. I feel like failure is just looming over me like a cloud waiting for me to try again.

There are so many people who have failed countless times to come back on top. There are people I’ve dated who have gone on to be married and have kids. Is that what I’m meant for? To help people find themselves so they can go on to be better boyfriends and husbands to other people? Why am I never good enough? I’ve lowered my standards before, accepted the lowest form of common decency as love, and yet, it still isn’t enough. Perhaps I’m not looking into the right kind of people? Why is it the best people I’ve been with aren’t available in that way? Maybe that makes me a bad person, but those are the people who have taught me the most about love.

That’s probably the issue honestly. I just keep choosing the wrong things. Even though they’re the things that make me feel most alive in this insane world. I don’t want to apologize for making mistakes, but it seems like I am constantly paying for them. I want to move on and start my life over again. Guess I’ll get my clean slate after this. Mid life crisis. Maybe the good thing at the end of all this is waiting for me. Fingers crossed.

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