It’s funny how there is a general social cue that after a break up there is usually a glow up. You get into a comfortable rhythm with the person you’re with. Maybe you lag on your trips to the gym or basic hygiene starts to slack. You eat more, enjoy the company, laze around in bed rather than go out. You don’t need to try as hard because the person you’re with has accepted you and sees less flaws or need to be done up all the time. It’s frustrating. Then after the inevitable break up or separation (not always of course) you feel the need to diet excessively, work out constantly, chop off or color your hair, get a piercing or tattoo, change your wardrobe. Do everything you possibly can to not be the way you were with that person so as not to fall into the trap again.
So, I find it interesting that I am now in a situation where I know (almost) when my puzzle is going to be taken apart and put back in its box and never be put back together again. I find my mind slowly pulling away. Trying to ignore the lack of good morning or good night texts, the almost non existent communication during the day, no more physical meetings. I know it’s going to be over soon and I’m doing everything I can to not be devastated when it finally happens.
Did I know this was going to happen from the beginning? Of course. Did I think it was going to suck this much? Absolutely. Did I do it anyway like an idiot knowing the consequences? Yes. Because in a way it helped me learn more about myself and what I need in a relationship. However, that does not make the process of breaking up any easier. Especially knowing that this person will never be in my life again outside of memories and ghosts.
It’s funny how my go to movie whenever I go through a break up is “He’s Just Not That Into You”. So many scenarios, not all of them good. I try to remember that trial and error is a part of dating and relationships. It just gets harder with age. The hurt gets harder to bear. The lessons are just lessons and I wonder if that’s all it’ll ever be. Some people get their cake and eat it too and I’m the stupid bitch hand feeding it to them. Not for lack of effort or anything.
I see it coming every time. I wish people wouldn’t beat around the bush. It just makes everything worse. Communication goes both ways and maybe I’m just too stubborn to end things to prove a point. I prolong my own suffering to hold onto what little happiness I can. How is that a win? Every time I meet someone I almost don’t even want to put in the effort to try. You either win or you lose. There’s never an in between in the game of love. Someone always ends up hurt.
So, this is my glow up. This is me finding myself and loving myself all over again because I clearly don’t do that enough. I’ll be sad for a while, but I’ll be alright. The person who helped me will have a boosted ego knowing they made a difference and they’ll move on with their life, but I’ll just be a blip in their memory, whereas they’ll be a whole book in mine. So many books sitting on the shelves of my mind. Gathering dust as my heart gets heavier and colder. It doesn’t feel worth it to try anymore.
I say all these things now, but I’m sure another sorry sap will find me and use me for what I’m worth and before moving on to the next. Maybe that will change and maybe something new will manifest itself, but for now here I am. Stuck in an endless loop of disappointment and heartbreak. I have another post for a later date that spoke to something else that was inside me at a different time. It’s sort of a thank you letter, but also not. Time heals and hurts. Unfortunately my wounds are pretty deep right now.
I’ll try to find happier things to talk about, but as you’ve probably noticed by now I’m pretty bare with you all. I found another quote that says, “someday I will write poems about this, but first I must survive it”. I always bleed through my words so I can also shine. Thank you for being with me while I learn how to shine again.