Love, Emily

Seems inherently human nature to want to have your cake and eat it too. Who doesn’t like having options and choices? Why should we have to choose between two things if we could have both? Why do people choose monogamy over polyamory just because it’s safer? What happens when you’re forced to choose one thing? Do you regret it? There’s always going to be that “what if” in the back of your mind about whether their situation is going to be permanent. What happens in life is not always predictable, but we want it to be.

So, what if that one person you loved for so long came back into your life unexpectedly? What if you run into someone you never thought you would see again? How would you handle it, what if you have something else going on, is it too late or is it like the notebook where you follow your heart and hurt someone in the end? Does it matter if your own heart is taken care of or does the guilt eat away at you forever? All these questions and more running through my mind like a never ending marathon.

I don’t think that there is one singular person that you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with. I think it’s possible to do that, but I also think that there are multiple soul mates for you in your lifetime that you meet, walk past, spend time with, love, lose, forget or remember. I think I’ve already met a few of mine. They don’t necessarily have to be romantic partners. Some of them are friends you get to keep. It comes down to who speaks to your heart and who you can be with.

We change throughout our lives as we live and learn. We can be a thousand different people by the end and maybe we find someone who flows with us. Maybe that is the meaning of a true love. Someone who sticks it out with you and changes and follows you to the end.

So here is my dilemma. I love someone who could be everything to me, but who I don’t think wants me as a permanent fixture, and someone who I can probably never have, but who I love completely. The choice is obvious, no? To some. I love both of these people equally, but in their own ways. I know my time with one is dwindling. I feel the space more and more as time goes on. I know their ghost will haunt me for the rest of my life and I pray I never see them again for fear of what it will do to me mentally. On the other hand I have someone who makes me happy from an ocean away and I hate that I can’t be with them. I know the only thing really keeping us apart is the distance and work, but what happens when that isn’t an issue anymore?

Sometimes I feel like I make my life harder than it needs to be by not making up my mind or seeing things that are right in front of my face or always questioning my decisions, but I feel like I’m always choosing the wrong things. So, how do I choose? Spend a lifetime pining over something I can’t have or work on something that I could be reading completely wrong? For someone who preaches communication maybe I suck at it. But then it is always less scary to hide behind a piece of paper or a keyboard to express yourself. All I want to do is not be afraid of saying how I feel, but I think past trauma has ruined that for me.

I know my feelings and situation are all temporary. This place feels like a prison island with no end in sight. I constantly feel as though everyone is rushing forward without me while I remain stationary. As I begin to take apart my puzzle I think about how this spirit animal has affected my life. The goldfinch spirit animal represents gratitude and appreciation for the good things and bad things. They mold you into the person that you need to become.

So to my not so little Finch: no matter where you are, or what you’re doing, or who you’re with. I will always honestly and completely love you from now until the end even though I broke a little in the process. You’re different, but don’t let it get to your head too much. I can feel your ego expanding from a world away.


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