How devastating it is to never feel good enough. Constantly trying hard for everyone around you and still feeling mediocre. Maybe that comes from within. The part of you that doesn’t need validation from other people and that thrives on their own. The saddest thing is feeling trapped. Like you’ll never get to where you want to be. That you can try so hard to live in the moment and enjoy it, but not stop your mind from over thinking everything.
The past year has been nothing short of miserable. Trying to find out who I am. Taking leaps and bounds only to find myself at the bottom of the cliff or jumping off of it once again. Trying to stay open to the idea of happiness and love and having it crushed at the last second. I truly don’t know how people can just live in this blissful oblivion. Where as I sit in a constant state of rage and sadness.
Everything bubbles over once in a while. Sometimes on my own, sometimes like an atomic bomb taking anyone within range. Makes forming certain relationships hard. Facing my personal demons and trying to grow and not let them take me over completely.
I’m an all or nothing kind of person. Which is pretty much solely my curse as it turns out I haven’t really gained anything from it. I try to give everything I have to work, my friends, my love life. It hasn’t exactly yielded anything. I love my family and friends. But I don’t think anyone really sees me and understands me.
I suppose being in and out of therapy could do worse things. This is one of those instances where I was overly emotional and had to get some things off my chest. I’m a giver. I wish I wasn’t, but that’s just my nature. I won’t stop, but it’ll be harder to get close to me as time goes on. Maybe that’s something I need to work on in myself. Collateral damage tends to be a thing around me. Sometimes I’m the one who gets damaged.
I often wonder what people think after they’ve experienced me. Some people still talk to me, some people have reached out long after the encounter comes to and end. What about the ones who moved on and I never talk to or see? Some who’ve blocked me from their lives? Do they talk about how horrible I was? Do they make fun of me to other people? Not that it really matters, but sometimes I get curious.
Either way, the good, the bad, the ugly. I never forget anyone I’ve been with if they were a big part of my life. Even some that weren’t as big that made a dent in my life. You impacted mine. So if you ever see this now you know. To the big four: Germany, Seattle, E squared, and John Cena. You each changed my life in ways I’ll never be able to go back from. Some for the good and some not so good. You should know which applies to you.
For now, I’m picking up the pieces from the last and thinking about where to go from here.