It’s a little bit cruel how the universe finds a way to send you all these people who are meant to teach you things, but not meant to stay. There has been a parade of people in and out of my life and out of all of them you managed to completely alter my way of thinking and crush my soul. Doesn’t seem that fair when so many people get to “experience” me and take or leave what they want and then move on. Always leaving me behind. Never the one who gets to have a happy ending.
You were right when you said I fell head over heels. I am and will be to an extent, completely and irrevocably in love with you. You will forever hold a place in my mind and heart until the end. Regardless of any other relationship I find myself in, you were the one who showed me what I deserve, but will likely not have again in this lifetime. So, I both love and hate you for that. Because how could you love me and love her? It hurts and makes sense to a painful degree. We knew what we were getting into and I wanted to fight it, but my therapist suggested I allow myself to feel how I feel and honestly I wish I didn’t have to.
I love you. For showing me that I am capable of being loved for just being myself. For reaching into and reading my mind when I didn’t want to face my feelings. For forcing me to explain and feel things and wait patiently for me to do that when I was turtled up. For holding me when I needed to cry. For not running away when I closed up or tried to push you away. For allowing me to open up to you on my own terms. For sitting on the shower floor with me and telling me you weren’t going anywhere. For appreciating my body even though I rarely do. For celebrating the little things with me and pushing me to be the best I can be.
I’m crying while I write this. Even if you never read it I know you truly cared for me and what I’m going to do when you leave, but everything hurts. It hurts and you haven’t even left yet. Because I’m writing this two days before my 27th birthday and I am not going to post this until after you leave. I just felt that I had to get all of this out now. Because all of these feelings are rolling around in my head and have been for a while now and I have to get them out.
Once you told me you hated yourself for being the one to show me what a real relationship looks like for someone like me. You hated that you were the best I’ve had. I hate you a little bit too. Because it isn’t fair. That probably every person that comes after you I’ll be looking for those similarities and not finding them. Even if I end up with someone from my past it would just be settling and maybe I never will. Because I’m good enough to be with temporarily, but not forever.
I have a lot of insecurities that I tend to project onto other people. I push people away before they can get too close and they don’t try to stay because it’s too much work, or I’m too difficult, or they can “find something easier”. Maybe it’s my fault because I go for emotionally unavailable people who treat me a certain type of way so I always remember that no one is ever going to want me long term. Because like it or not, you are one of those temporary people and I will probably never see or hear from you again.
I love with everything I have. I am loyal and determined and will do anything for the person I’m with. But every time I fall in love I leave a piece of myself with that person and slowly lose myself. And I don’t know how may more pieces I can give before I give up. I know I’m worth something. I have a lot to offer and a lot that I haven’t even had a chance to give yet. I’d love to be in a happy, healthy relationship, but the more time draws on it seems like less of a reality for me. Which is sad, but something I’m starting to come to terms with.
So, yes, you were everything I could see myself having. I constantly reminded myself that you weren’t available. That this was all going to end even as I tried to enjoy the moments. I tried so hard to live in the moment and be happy. My little piece of heaven in this hell I’ve been in for so long. I guess this is goodbye and my letter to tell you that you did help me. I appreciate all of it. Really I do. I hope you accomplish everything you want because I also know that you have big dreams and goals. I wish the best for you and her. I’ll always remember our puzzle and how, even with all the janky pieces it was ours. I love you. Thank you.