Seems fitting now that as some things come to an end there are new things blossoming under the surface. I never imagined that this is what my life was going to look like a year ago. It’s a bit terrifying not knowing what’s going to be on the other side.
It’s horrible until you know. Sometimes the unknown is safe, but frustrating. You don’t want to keep living in the same day over and over again, but it’s comfortable. As soon as you know that change is coming you start to panic, you are out of your comfort zone. What will you do?
I’d like to say I have a plan. In fact, I have several. Are all of them realistic? I’d like them to be. I’d love to be my own boss and do as I please for the rest of my life. I’d love to go home and have everything work out with the person I’m talking to. I’d love to not have this ache in my heart anymore. But not everything you want works out.
I feel….numb? Not sure if that’s the right word. I’m sad as you might imagine. I’m relieved I don’t have to compete anymore. I’m hurting in a way I didn’t want to. I’m terrified of what comes next. I’m so excited to finally be coming home. It’s a lot of emotions that I haven’t fully processed so they’re all rolling around.
It’s going to be good. I have to keep telling myself that I’m bound for something better. Everything has happened for a reason, whether it is by my own self sabotage or not. That’s something I’ll work out in therapy. Maybe I need to stop and look at where I am instead of always looking for something better. But why shouldn’t I? Why settle if I can have it all?
Maybe I’ll never really be happy. Maybe I’ll always be the teacher for someone else. Maybe I’ll never learn how to break out of the cycle I’ve been in for so long. The next couple weeks are going to be tumultuous, but I’ll get through it. Just like always. It’s the end of another book to be put on the shelf that is my life. We’ll see what the next one looks like.
Thanks for always allowing me to feel my feelings and being with me on the journey.