It’s not like any thing I’ve ever gone through before. To look at a past love like an old friend. To talk about them mostly in a fond manner when there is zero contact. Generally I’d be bitter. More angry and upset, but in this instance I have just been pretending that it is a friend who I lost contact with a long time ago.
The song I can best relate this to is Good Stuff by Griff:
We were fighting fires every night when you met me
And it’s not fair at all
So after everything
Why’d you leave me with the good stuff, babe
And forget about the mess we made?
Oh, I wish that my mouth didn’t smile when I think of you
But you left me with the good stuff, babe
And I know that it’s a crying shame
It’s a million times harder when I don’t hate you
I can’t think of many things that would make me hate you outside of the fact that I couldn’t be with you in a total sense, which we both knew. So, really there isn’t anything I can say about it. I’ve felt numb for a while. It doesn’t seem real most days. I have dreams about it. I think about different unlikely outcomes. At the end of the day I know how it is and I am working on accepting that.
When I talk about us I speak as though we had a good run, we had great times, my friends loved you, I loved you. It is hard not to think about everything we went through. As I go into the unknown I wish you were with me to help me walk through it. I’m scared. Terrified. I feel like a child who is lost in the woods at night with no direction or help of any kind. Left for the wolves.
I never pictured this for myself. I have never felt more like a failure in my entire life. There is not much comfort anywhere.. I am an adult. I made the choices I made and am now facing those consequences. I have thought “why me” more times than I’d care to share, but what if that is just it? I’m my own problem. I always choose the wrong things and can’t seem to break out of that cycle. How do you? Can any amount of therapy fix who you are as a person or what you do in your life?
I’ve thought for a long time that I won’t ever be good enough. I couldn’t hope to find someone who treats me nice or that I’ll find a job that I like. Some things aren’t for everyone. Maybe nothing is meant for me. To float around in this world lost and alone forever. Maybe that’s dark, but I’ve been in a dark place for a while. Good enough for one time use. To throw away for the next thing, person, etc.
I didn’t want to keep resurfacing this, but it doesn’t want to get out of my head. Also, it isn’t something that I am going to forget about overnight as much as you hoped I would. There are certain people who have affected my life in a certain way that I will never be able to forget and you are one of them. There are also certain people who I never thought I’d have in my life again who came back so who knows. Life is full of unexpected curveballs.
As I try to hold on to the good things in life, I also know it’s unrealistic to be happy and unaffected by everything going on. I hope people can take away that it’s alright to be sad and miserable and scared about change. Feel your feelings! It’s something my therapist tells me all the time. Nothing is forever even if it feels like it. As always, thanks for reading.