Into the unknown

As wonderful and exciting it is to finally be home after 22 months, reality is starting to hit a bit hard. The anxiety of “what happens next” is daunting. I feel like I’m stranded in the ocean in a storm with not even a hint of aid. I know that to an extent I have my family to lean on, but once again I feel like a burden. The black sheep finally home to continue to disappoint.

In my mind there isn’t anything I can do right. Despite my parents loving me unconditionally all I feel is guilt and desperation to get as far away as possible. I keep repeating over and over again that there has to be a reason why I’m back at rock bottom. As far down the hole as I could possibly get. It doesn’t make sense to me.

Am I doing something wrong? Am I stuck in the same patterns and that’s why I’m being punished this way? I don’t understand. I don’t accept that this is what my life is going to be forever. I know I deserve to be happy in my life. I refuse to believe that I am meant to be miserable forever. I’ve never felt as low as to take my own life, but recently it’s looked like the easier option.

My family would eventually move on, I wouldn’t be a burden anymore. I wouldn’t have the crushing weight of debt and depression anymore. Never knowing where I was going to go next or what was going to happen to me. As much as I believe in a higher power it’s hard for me to imagine they have any cent of sympathy for those of us down here. Just some entertainment SIMs flowing with minimal control over their own lives.

I aspire to be so many things. I was not made to have a mediocre life. I was made for so much more. I don’t need a million dollars as lovely as it sounds. I just want to be comfortable. If anyone can do it, why can’t I? Is that fair? Am I going to continue the cycle of never being good enough? What have I done? Truly I want to know.

I feel like I’ve had enough life lessons to last a hundred lifetimes. I don’t want to keep “learning” about what kinds of people destroy my life and crush my trust in healthy relationships. Am I not worthy of love? I’ve established in therapy that I am a good person and I’m not asking for too much. So, why do I always feel like I’m just a bother to people?

I feel like the weight of everything is sitting on my chest. I can barely breathe. I don’t know what to do. I just want relief. I know that I demand instant gratification for situations that can’t possibly be instantaneous, but the longer I stay in one place the less comfortable I feel. I can’t stand the suffocation.

My friend Jae told me that I’ve come full circle. I am quite literally restarting my life, but with a little more knowledge than when I was a three month old baby crossing the ocean the first time. I hope to whatever powers be that he’s right. I so desperately want to feel at peace with where I am. Right now all I feel is anxiety and unease. Where do I go from here.

Maybe I never truly find happiness. Maybe I was meant to help other people achieve things while I continue to suffer. It’s something I’ve already started to accept in my mind. So many people in my life have told me I’ve made a lasting impact on them. I am unforgettable. But yet not worth sticking around for. As much as I revel in the idea that there are people who will never forget me in their lifetime, I also loathe that I can’t obtain the happiness they seem to find after they leave me.

Perhaps that’s half the issue. I can’t just be content, but I don’t want to settle. A shitty marriage left a horrible taste and now I barely trust the institution of marriage or that it’s possible to be happy with one person for the rest of your life. Pessimistic sure, but not unrealistic. People choose to stay with people who don’t make them truly happy. Or maybe it’s just from an outside perspective. If something is working why ruin it I suppose. It’s all been baby steps. One step in the right direction only to fall and have to start over again.

This is an endless track inside my head at the moment. I’m sure there are a million other things I could be working on, but here I am at 0130 writing about things that have come and gone that I can’t seem to let go of. Maybe I never will. I know that when I walk through the mall and see a Vans store or hear a certain song I break all over again.

So, with continued uncertainty, here I go again. Starting from scratch with a bit more knowledge and a bit hairier of a situation than last time. Only the universe knows what’s going to happen next. I only hope it’s something good. I’m just not sure how much more I can handle.


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