Do you ever wish for something so badly and then when you finally get the thing you wished for you regret ever wishing for it? I was so ready to come home, to move forward with my life that I didn’t appreciate what I had. A steady paycheck, a good support system, a decent therapist, health care, etc. Being an adult fucking sucks. Anyone who says otherwise is lying so you don’t catch on and aren’t as miserable as the rest of us.
I heard from an old friend through my best friend. He hoped I was doing alright and that he was thinking of me. That news alone broke me down. I cried for a while. I still don’t understand why you would care about what happened to me after you left. For some reason knowing you’re thinking of me makes it worse. I just want to let you go.
As my hand loosens on one thing it tightens on another. I have been trying to get a government job for the past month and my efforts and applying to 20+ jobs a day before bed may finally be paying off. Everything finally seems to be coming together and yet I’m still anxious and sad.
I try to manifest the good that I can, live in the moment, enjoy the journey, but all I see is grey and uncertainty. I know what I’m capable of and yet I keep trying to look and plan ahead. I need to slow down and yet I’m going a hundred miles an hour. Why can’t I see what’s right in front of me?
I can visualize what I want and where I want to be and I crave it. I’ll do anything to get there. I am terrified of failing this second chance. I want to trust that the universe isn’t going to let me fuck up again, but there’s always a what if. So many times I thought I was going the right way only to crash and burn into where I needed to go. I know I have more to learn, but I don’t know how many more fires I can take.
I want to let go. I want to trust in something bigger than myself, but my weakness is that I want to have some level of control. How can I just let go? Where has trust gotten me? Into more heartbreak than I care to remember or talk about. How do I trust when I barely trust myself?
Do I hold on to things that may never come to fruition? I need to push these made up scenarios out of my head. They don’t do anything except cause me more anxiety and high expectations. Everything happens for a reason and I need to keep believing in that.
P.S. If you’re reading this, and you know who you are. I hope you realize what truly makes you happy and you chase after it. Don’t settle and let one thing dictate your life when you could have everything without something holding you back. Even if it isn’t with me, you still deserve complete freedom to be yourself and not have to hide who you are. I’ll always love you and despite it all I think of you every time I see a Vans or Under Armor store or hear the song My Ex’s Best Friend…