Since I’ve started clearing through all my belongings in anticipation for a move to bigger and better things, I stumbled across an OLD notebook full of scribbles and notes. There were also some old songs that I had made up back when I thought I could make it in the music world (definitely NOT a singer outside of drunk karaoke). I figured I’d share them with you as well as some songs that bring up strong memories and feelings from different parts of my life.

It’s funny how so many people live through music and use it to express things they aren’t able to say. It’s also amazing how we relate and live through different artists and use them as conduits for our emotions. Music has always been a big part of my life growing up (band geek) and it has gotten me through some of the best and worst times of my life.

Here are some gems from circa 2004-2005:

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It was so strange to happen across these and also funny to think that this is how long I’ve been writing, journaling, etc. These songs were all going to be part of a book series that I was working on, similar to my life and relationships. Guess I’ve always been destined to break my heart over and over.

At the time I was ‘in a relationship’ with someone who I guess we could say was my first love. He used to call my house phone and we’d talk for a while until my parents started getting suspicious. It felt like a weird Romeo and Juliet scenario. It ended with him moving away and me never seeing or hearing from him again. It was sad and it was my first heartbreak. It triggered my separation anxiety and fear of abandonment that has followed me for a lot of my adult life. It isn’t something I struggle with as much now since I’ve been going to therapy and learning more about it and myself.

Finding these made me think about how certain songs trigger different memories for me. Feelings and emotions, enough to the point where I can’t hear certain songs without bursting into tears or some I can’t even listen to anymore. Strange how you can be affected that way and that strongly. Here’s a short list for you of some songs that immediately come to mind and what I think about when I hear them. Maybe you have some that trigger different feelings in your own life.

Tequila Dan & Shay – my best friend Kidd
What Ifs Kane Brown ft. Lauren Alaina – different boys I thought I could maybe trust or open up to
Free Hailey Reinhart – wondering why I was staying with my ex-husband when we were clearly wrong for each other
Louder Than Thunder The Devil Wears Prada – Seattle
Keep Fucking It Up Normandie – wondering if in every relationship I’ve ever been in it’s been my fault it didn’t work out
Saturday Song Abe Parker – Germany sent this to me and I can’t listen to it anymore without being extremely resentful
Stop Runnin’ LIZ LORKE – telling myself it isn’t always me and one day it’ll work out
Nevada Vicetone – he who must not be named, taboo
Power Hardwell – got me through a lot, also a great pump up/work out song
hot girl bummer Blackbear – a banger, shower concerts
Forgive Myself Griff – reminder not to be hard on myself all the time
Good Stuff Griff – my finch, the only one I’ll never hate as much as I want to sometimes
my ex’s best friend MGK/Blackbear – always think of my finch when I hear this song, probably always will
Dynamite BTS and Savage Love Jason Derulo – how much my finch hated these songs makes me laugh, I never change it if it comes on
Woke Up Late Drax Project ft. Hailee Steinfeld – shower concerts and also just a general song that makes me happy for no reason
In Your Arms ILLENIUM ft. X Ambassadors – a long drive home from the beach with his hand on the back of my neck, very contented
How You Like That BLACKPINK – baby brother

These are the songs that come to mind immediately. They are songs I have listened to over and over and pull different meanings every time I listen to them. There are different feelings, some happy and some less so. Everything changes and evolves with time as everything does, but right now these are the rawest feelings I have.

I hope this helps people relate and understand that it’s important to feel your feelings and that they are valid. As always, thank you for being on this journey with me.