Deep breaths

It’s so strange how I imagined certain things were going to be. Did I have too high of expectations? I’m the happiest I’ve been in so long and yet at the same time it stills feels like something is missing. I want to have the best of both worlds, or have everything without consequences, but that isn’t how life works.

Every time I hold his hand, give a kiss, feel him move against me, I sometimes think about you. The little mannerisms that I miss. How you were so perceptive to how I was feeling. Knowing what I needed before I did. How to hold me, kiss me, tease me. I miss these things, but I’m learning to live without them.

I can’t wait for you and I know you aren’t thinking about or waiting for me. As sad as it is. Maybe you care/cared, but I can’t let that hold me. So many times I held on to the idea/memory of someone/something for it to crumble down around me later on. I have to force myself forward. I have to let go.

This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do because I still love you. The only person who I’d go running back to if I saw you in the future. I know it in my heart. And it hurts me to write it.

There’s such a comfort in falling into old patterns with someone. Remembering how it feels to be with someone who can make you smile or laugh at any time. Knowing that they’re a safe place. How can I possibly compare two completely different people. Of course there are things that I love about each, but I can’t have it all.

I wish I could combine the two personalities. I wish I wasn’t so indecisive.

It’s my adoption day. Hard change in subject, but it is relevant. Every time it comes around it drudges up my separation anxiety and fear that I won’t really ever be good enough for anything permanent in my life. Why this happens I have no idea. I haven’t had any reason to think that with my being somewhat stable my whole life. Maybe not mentally, but that’s always been a work in progress.

I’m finally starting to get used to the idea that I am meant for better. Even if I don’t really think I deserve it, I definitely know that there is something bigger out there for me than what I’ve been doing. I can feel it coming, I try not to look for greener grass when I am doing somewhat well with what I have.

Moving into the new year, I still have my amazing family and friends, my boys, stable hobbies, and a new job. There isn’t much more I could ask for and yet I still feel the sadness.

Perhaps it is a result of my time in Korea where I learned the definition of lowest low. I learned that I was never really depressed or anxious before and I didn’t truly know how bad things could get. My mental state was crushed and I know I haven’t fully recovered from it.

There is so much more to do in this life. I have all the reasons in the world to be content, but I still push and want for more. I know eventually everything will come together as it should, but until then my heart still aches and my mind continues to play tricks.

As I try to enjoy the last bit of my vacation bliss, I hope all of you continue to find what you’re looking for as you go into the new year. Be self aware and keep dreaming. I’m on this journey with you. As always thank you for reading.

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