Mind reader

And just like that, you were back in my life. It’s funny how I can always feel when there is unfinished business with a person. Whether I’m romantically involved with them or not. That being said, I saw this coming from a mile away. Did I want things to end the way they did? Of course not. Did I know what was going to happen when I came home? Not in a million years. Did I expect things to turn out how they have? Well, we all know the answer to that.

It was a little strange. The way things were going. Checking on my OF posts here and there. I made all my social media public so on the off chance you wanted to look me up you’d be able to. I was proud of myself because I stayed away from your pages, I forced myself not to check on you. Occasionally talking to mutual friends, but never bringing you up in conversation. The first time I felt the need to reach out was after I got my medical exam back.

Blind sided is an understatement. Finding out you have something that could potentially end your life isn’t news anyone wants to hear. I also was concerned about her well being. I struggled with figuring out how to contact you. I didn’t ultimately want to be the cause of something irreversible, even if I wasn’t sure who gave who what. I reached out to my best friend. I didn’t want to make contact directly. I didn’t want to chance hearing from you. I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle it.

I also struggled with whether or not it was even worth trying to contact you at all. Was I doing it out of my own selfish reasons? I reasoned that it wasn’t that. Despite everything I am not a malicious person and I still cared about your and her well being. What I wasn’t expecting was to hear that you were wondering about me. If I was doing alright. I couldn’t wrap my head around why it mattered.

I had worked so hard to not think about you. Tried my hardest to leave you in the past. Knowing that you cared even a little made things worse. My mind spiraled. I wondered what you were thinking. I knew and know nothing is ever going to come out of it, but the hope was still there. I cried, texted E whenever I could, made a conscious effort to let you go more and more as the days passed.

It was working. I was doing better, I avoided social media stalking (a first for me), I was writing more than ever, allowing my feelings to flow, for once in my life I was optimistic about the future. And then I was going to Texas. I was finally going to see if after a year of waiting, it was going to be worth it. The past two weeks have shown me that sometimes some people are just better left as friends or FWB and nothing more. I so wanted this to work, it felt like fate that I was still in contact, that I had as strong of feelings as I did back in Korea, but it just wasn’t what I thought it would be.

And then you reached out again. You extended a pinky and I took it. Honestly, I was a bit more eager than I’d like to admit, but I didn’t allow myself to get overly excited. When I woke up my heart broke at the sight of a missed call. I’ve missed your voice. I’ve missed a lot of things, but that doesn’t bring you back and it doesn’t change what we both know is reality.

You asked if it was a bad thing that you reached out again. I don’t feel that way. I don’t sit by the phone and wait for you to text/call. I haven’t put my life on hold or changed anything significant in my life. I know if I could have you as a friend in my life it’d be a little brighter, a little easier, maybe even more fun. Who knows. All I know is that our realities are very different. I’m happy for you if you are. Having to hide things isn’t my cup of tea, but that isn’t my reality.

I’ve realized a lot of things over the past few weeks. I am in love with myself. Maybe for the first time ever. I love who I’ve grown into. I love that I am confident, determined, a fucking badass. I have come so far in my life and I won’t allow anything to hold me back from my goals. I want it all and I am going to do everything in my power to have it. I want to be successful, I want a man who is going to worship the ground I walk on and not allow their insecurities to dim my shine, I want to do as I please when I please without having to ask permission. I am no longer going to see myself as needy or annoying or weak. I know exactly where I want to be.

So, this is a message to anyone who is in my life: You can be in or you can be out. Regardless of what happens, if we run into each other down the line, or if we never see each other again. My success is my own. I know exactly the people who have been down for me and with me since the beginning and I want those people to be standing next to me when I achieve everything I’ve ever wanted. There are certain people who will always hold a special place in my life and maybe we will cross paths again. Maybe we end up together. Maybe everything aligns and it still doesn’t work out. I’ve learned that people are not always meant to come into your life and stay. I know that there are some people who I have unfinished business with. I know that there are some people I’ll never forget and some who are already lost in the wind. Life is a journey and I am living the fuck out of it.

Of all people in the world, now in this moment, I wish more than anything I could read your mind. Understand what you’re thinking, what you want most in life. I hope I was able to be that fantasy for you for a little while, because you were mine. I always wish you the best. You know that by now. I hope you’re okay.

I should probably go to bed
Before I question my decision
Is it love? I know it isn’t
Now I’m all up in my head again
‘Cause I know I don’t
Have the self-control
To walk away if you walk in

Dan + Shay

01/14/2021

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