I know better, but maybe I don’t…

I don’t know what I was expecting. Honestly, it’s a little bit deja vu for me. Extending a hand just to pull it back at the last minute. Here I am at 2300 on a Wednesday in your t-shirt wondering if there was a “what if”. But of course there isn’t and there never was. It’s like throwing a life boat to a ghost. You don’t know what you want, but it definitely isn’t me.

I Should Probably Go to Bed. I really need to. I’m so wired from driving all day. You asked when I was coming. I didn’t tell you on purpose that I was going to be here and I didn’t ask or hint that anyone should let you know either. What does it matter? I do care, but I also know better. I’ve been disappointed before and I wasn’t expecting that to change.

I’m going into my new life completely on my own. No friends, family, or significant other to hold my hand in Utah. I’m really gonna be by myself for this one. I’m excited and nervous and terrified and anxious. I don’t know what to expect. I so want this to work out. I don’t want to live out of boxes anymore. I want a place that feels like home, but it’s hard when home is a person not a place.

I just wish I could curl up and be held and told everything is going to be alright. Everything is going to work out. That isn’t how life works, but in this moment it would help. There is so much uncertainty. I am starting completely from the beginning again. My 2021 rebirth.

I’m not sure what I expected. I don’t think it was to go into the new year on my own. I’ve been so focused on finding someone to share my ups and downs with that I forgot that the one person who is always going to be experiencing those things regardless is myself. Me, myself, and I. Living life, moving forward, being a badass all on my own.

I’m starting to lose my train of thought, but I know I wanted to remember that I am doing the thing and finally breaking out of the shit I was in before. I have come such a long fucking way and I am blown away by how much my hard work has paid off. I’m damn proud of myself and everything I’ve accomplished. I deserve the best and I know I’ll get to where I want to be.

Now the 19 hours of being away is wearing down on me. Remember to love yourselves and know that whatever struggles you are going through are relevant. Feel your feelings. They are valid and everyone goes through different stages to get to where they need to be. Be kind to yourselves and be easy on others. Everything happens for a reason and not everyone is meant to be in your life forever. Enjoy the journey, stop and smell the roses, I love you all. Thanks for being with me.

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