You know what they say about….

Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places. I’ve seen and heard this so many times. I spoke to my father about my life choices a while back. He told me that I had made decisions that no one could have decided for me, but I also chose to struggle unnecessarily when I could’ve just stayed at home, not gotten married, not lived in my car, etc. I don’t regret any of these choices that I made because ultimately they led me to finding myself and becoming a better version of what was once an empty shell of a human being.

I used to be what my therapist referred to as a chameleon. I changed my whole personality to fit being with certain people in my life. Whether it was friend groups, significant others, etc. I was constantly changing and I didn’t know who I really was. I didn’t have any real passions besides making sure everyone around me liked me. When I didn’t get along with someone or got broken up with I would agonize over it and wonder what I could’ve done differently.

These days I could give two fucks about who likes or dislikes me. There are certain individuals who I never had to change for and they all know who they are. It was a breath of fresh air to start figuring out who I was without having to prove anything to the people around me. The main aspect of where my struggles still lied was in my intimate relationships.

As someone who is extremely assertive and dominant in public, I am very submissive when it comes to relationships. I enjoy being taken care of, but also I like to be in charge of certain things. I got to wake up to my favorite person texting me and knowing I’d be able to talk to them all day was uplifting. Something I know is rare, but I’m learning how to prioritize. As the day draws on there are a few things I’ve thought of that when looking at him I wasn’t able to vocalize. Any how could I? They wouldn’t have changed the situation.

I think there is a trifecta of scenarios: right place wrong time, right place right time, and wrong place right time. There is wrong place wrong time, but that isn’t relevant to what I’m trying to explain. There have been so many right place wrong time people for me. Always ones that end with excruciating heartbreak, consistently cutting myself on the broken pieces while I try to put myself back together. The right place right time people for me have turned into people who I have kept in my life as friends. The wrong place right time people were perfect distractions and times I remember more fondly than others sometimes as they were more spontaneous.

Why I thought about this? There were so many instances of right place wrong time for me. When I met Seattle it turned out that we had been in multiple places at the same time, but never crossed paths. We talked about how we would have reacted if we’d had met back then, but of course we know how that whole thing ended. When I met Germany we had both been at different places at the same time, but he wasn’t my type back then so I would’ve never noticed him. My ex husband and I were a good example of right place right time wrong person. It’s funny how I’ve heard so many times that Leos and Libras are THE power couple. Unstoppable and perfect for each other, but so far every Leo I’ve met has only brought my life problems.

Some wrong place right time people for me have been random hook ups from after my divorce, old high school boyfriends, and even people I met during my time in the army that I’ve run into down the road and had fun with. No one that I’d ever consider really investing in.

The ultimate right place wrong time has been my finch. So many times we’ve talked about it. The mind, body, soul connection that we have and had during my time in Korea. The amount of times we’ve talked about if it had been before certain events how things would have been different. That we’d be together. If only, if only. It hurts because what if we do have a right place right time? What if it just isn’t right now? So many times I’ve thought about it. The possibilities, the reasoning behind why we can’t be together, it’s more of a won’t than a can’t because of course anything is possible. Is that why it hurts? That because despite a cosmic connection I’m still not enough. It isn’t really fair to say that, but it’s just how I feel.

Because why is it that when I finally got him back in my life again everything fell into place? The plan we worked on before we left Korea working perfectly and almost too good to be true. He centers me in a way no one else has. And I know that I can say all these things like I’m never going to find someone else like him, but it feels that way sometimes. Despite all of that I want him in my life any way I can have him even if it means hiding and waiting.

It sounds more dramatic than it is. I’m still living my life. I wake up, brush my teeth, get ready for the day, and go about my business not waiting by the phone. If I hear from him it is a little bonus to my day. I still talk to other people, occasionally scan my tinder, make tiktok videos, and check out guys/girls in the Target near my apartment.

I still get urges. Even if we don’t talk all day I see memes and save them for when we do talk later. Things happen and I want to tell you immediately. I know I don’t have the same access to you that I used to and it’s hard. Then we talk and everything in my body relaxes, it’s a little easier to hide from you behind a screen. I don’t always share everything I’m feeling because it sometimes feels like I’m taking advantage or I should deal with certain things myself. I don’t want to be too selfish even though sometimes it already feels like I’ve overstepped.

There’s more that I want to say, but I don’t think I’ve processed these things myself and I’m not brave enough to write them because I know you read what I write. While I was driving cross country I had a lot of time to think about things and it’s scary being in a new place with no friends or family close by. I’ve done my best to distract myself and it has worked to an extent, but I still feel very alone despite being happy and excited for the future. I’m trying not to look too far ahead because I don’t want to disappoint myself. I wish for so many things into the universe. Trust the process. Everything happens for a reason. Everything works itself out. Everything happens exactly when and how it is supposed to.

Here are some new songs I came across while I was driving that made me feel some kind of way. Music tends to express more of my feelings than I’m able to through just writing. So here you go and as always thanks for being with me:

Monsters by ATL/blackbear
**r u ok by Tate McRae
**What A Shame by Leyla Blue
VICES by Mothica
How to Be a Heartbreaker by MARINA
Ring Pop by Jax
**forget me too by MGK/Halsey
play w/ me by Bailey Bryan
**drivers license by Olivia Rodrigo
**All The Fucking Time by Loote
Sex With My Ex by Loote/Travis Barker
We Belong by Dove Cameron
**Dandelions by Ruth B.
Right Girl Wrong Time by Tyra Madison

** sings I’ve listened to on repeat multiple times

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s