Alone

She was so vibrant. The life of the party. The one who could fit into any crowd. But she was insecure, needy, always looking for validation. Searching for relationships. A hopeless romantic. Born in the wrong time, everyone said.

It seemed like anything she did was never good enough. Grooming the ones she was with to move on and find better people down the road. Constantly watching people she loved leave and find something better than her. Why couldn’t she do anything right? What could she have done differently to make them stay?

She thought she found the one. The one who was going to be it for her. But the more time passed, the more she realized that he just loved the idea of her and the fact that she would do anything for him despite it killing her inside. So she left and told herself that she deserved better even though anyone after could show basic human decency and have that be enough.

She got older. Colder. Closing off her heart to people and forcing them to pick their way through the dark to get even a sliver of the girl inside. Most never even saw past the mask she wore. It was safer that way. Better to be the heart breaker than the heart broken. Why would anyone want the pain associated with the latter?

Soon it was just her against the world. Work and hobbies taking over romance. If it came it came. She didn’t actively seek it out. There were a few missteps here and there. Some slips over the edge that took a while to come back from. And then there was the crash.

It stunted any bit of growth she had gotten. She used bodies to feel anything because inside it felt like a part of her had died. And then he came. It was like a beacon to her broken soul. He made her feel alright again. She laughed and danced and felt things. But then, just like they all did, he left her in the dark. She held onto the small piece of light like a life line, but eventually she knew that it was time to let it go.

He came in like a breath of fresh air. She was still filling the void and pretending like everything was fine. The confidence was there. The air of not caring, but still being mysterious and fun. She craved attention and she got it when and where she wanted it. He wasn’t any different. A bit more reserved, but she enjoyed the chase. The excitement of teasing someone into wanting her more. And then she left him and knowing that he didn’t know if she was interested was exhilarating.

But he was a game changer. At first she thought she was winning. Making the rules. Allowing him to come around when it was convenient for her. Wondering if this was as good as it was going to be. And then he blew her mind. At first it was just body. Enjoying the feelings and having fun. But then he listened to her. Really listened. Tried to understand her and she started to get scared. She didn’t want this. He wasn’t available to her, but they mutually agreed to this arrangement.

It was like walking straight off the edge of a cliff knowing exactly how it was going to end. She knew she was going to be alone again after it was all over, but she kept walking anyways. Maybe it would be different this time, maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much, maybe she could somehow convince him to stay. But that’s never how these things went for her. So she allowed herself to fall without the safety net at the bottom to break it.

And just as they always did, left her alone again. Maybe she was destined for this. Maybe she was supposed to be alone. Despite every person who walked into her life getting a little bit closer to her it was never permanent. There was always something keeping her from finding the one.

She cried so much these days. Anxiety from the past and present colliding in a horrific way. She was in the dark again. The thoughts of never being good enough creeping back in. I am worthy of love. But am I worthy of being loved? Maybe I’ll always be too much, too difficult, too unsatisfactory. Should I expect more? Less? Where do the standards lie?

I think a lot about where my life was and how it’s going. I watch friends and family go in and out of relationships. Some last longer than others. Their happiness sits over me like a storm cloud. I am happy for them, but I also envy them. How they can so easily fall in and out of love, where I feel things so deeply and take so long to get over. I give everything I have into people and have it rarely reciprocated. Maybe this is why I get hurt so much. I expect the love that I give and that isn’t reality.

Reality is something I have tried to reason into my mind. To avoid making up scenarios in my head (usually unsuccessfully) and live in the moment. I dwell so much on things that have happened in my life. Do they hold me back? I relapse more than I care to admit. I feel like I’ve grown so much, but at the same time have taken a million steps back. When do I feel okay again? When do I figure out who I really am?

I am the happy smiling girl you see in photos, I am the demure and mysterious girl at the bar who takes tequila without flinching, I am the girl who breaks down at home behind closed doors curled in a ball barely able to breathe, I am the loud sailor mouth girl who could kiss you and pretend to have never met you, I am the soft sensitive girl who craves physical attention, I am all these and more, but who can handle them all?

A friend once told me that I enhance peoples lives. I bring out the best in others. I can make friends with anyone I meet. I can be anything you need when you need it. She told me that maybe I was put into the world to make people better. I laughed so loud when she said that, but she was so serious that I thought about it for days after. Maybe I am never meant to find someone in this lifetime. That I am destined to always be heartbroken and alone, but help others upgrade. It’s terrifying to think about. But if that is something that could be reality then I guess I have to learn to accept that.

The start of my 2021 has already been a whirlwind. I’ve cried so many times as I wrote this. But this one is deep for me. I will try to have less expectations as we go on. To enjoy the life I have and if something comes along to make it a little better then I will hold on to it for as long as I can. It’s strange how a movie I’ve never seen has given me some of the most relatable quotes, but maybe I’ll watch it soon. “I think I need to face what I could have been in order to understand and accept what I am” – Love, Rosie

I’ll be contemplating more on what that means this week, but until then laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and remember that everything happens for a reason. Xoxo

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