I don’t want to feel.

It’s interesting I think that there are so many reasons for me to be happy with the things that are going on in my life. I worked so hard to get here. I forced myself to push past every limit I had. And yet here I am. Alone, afraid, unsure of everything. I thought this was everything I wanted and yet I yearn for the bubble and safety that was Korea. Even in the darkest days there at least I knew what every day was going to be like. I knew what I was doing and there was no uncertainty outside of not knowing when I was going to come home.

I shut off all my feelings when I got back. I didn’t want to feel anything. I still don’t. Everything hurts and aches. I wanted certain things to work out so that I would have less uncertainty, but then I forced myself not to be excited or have expectations for anything. Is that how I should live my life? Let all the trauma from my past dictate how I go through life? Always ready to be let down or skeptical of any hint of affection from anyone?

There is still so much of my life that is in the dark. I have no idea how to deal with my health issues. Knowing I have to choose between going in and out of surgery forever or just pulling the plug on reproduction all together. Not that I ever aspired to have a family or kids, but I know it is something that affects future relationships.

Is damaged goods all I’ll ever be? Only good for a little while, but never long term. I’ve said this so many times before and I haven’t really been able to stop myself from believing it. So many times people have proved to be temporary. I put myself in situations I know will only end with me on the receiving end of heartbreak. Do I do this to protect myself from ever being disappointed?

I have run away from my feelings for so long. Because confronting them and being open has only led to pain for me. Pain that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to shake. These days I barely want to get out of bed. I entertain people I know I’ll never move forward with because at least it’s something to do. But why do I do it? I want to break out of these patterns, but it feels like I never will.

Is it possible to go to sleep every night without crying? Without forcing myself to stay awake into the late hours just to avoid dreaming? Without the crushing weight of loneliness and fear? Ever since I left I have just been numb. Maybe I would have been better off not having seen the one person who could wake up every feeling I’ve ever had. Maybe it would have been better to stay numb.

I barely know who I am anymore. That seems dramatic and I’m sure the stress and anxiety and loneliness isn’t improving my mood the longer I sit and write this. I wish it were possible to skip to the part of my life where I’m finally really happy and content with everything. The never knowing where my life is going and the constant life lessons are exhausting. I just want to be at the end. Whether that be alone or not at least I’ll know.

Deep down I feel like I was made to be alone in the world. The only people who have truly tried to love and understand me were never people I could keep in my life. They were just passing through. Reminders that sure, everything works out in the end, but you’re still going to be going it alone. When every happy faces brings a bitter taste it doesn’t seem like a very happy way to live.

I’m losing my train of thought now, but here are some more songs I found this week. I’m sure as time goes on it’ll get easier. All my close friends I’ve talked to keep reminding me that everything is going to be alright, but they don’t know how I really feel. How could they possibly put themselves into my shoes? When they are all living their lives happily without worries or fears about what happens next?

Of course everyone has their own issues. Not everything is perfect. Some people are just content to live and settle for where they are. But I never can. Maybe that’s why I’ll always be alone and unhappy. Because I can never settle for anything less than exactly what I want. But do I even know what that is?

No one cares about your own problems more than you. No one is going to stop their lives to help you. You gotta do this one on your own, kid. Chin up, it gets worse before it gets better. Cry, scream, eat ice cream, drink a bottle of whatever makes you feel like you have your life under control. We got this. We got this. We got this. Right?

Fuck.

Just For A Moment by Gryffin
We Still Talk by Taylor Edwards
HMU If U Don’t Like Me by Ashley Kutcher
Bitter by FLETCHER

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