Honestly, probably the worst decision I could have made. I’ve seen so many clips, picked through all the best quotes. It’s one of the best and worst love stories about two friends who end up together in the end. Just as all happy romances are supposed to go. But it gave me all the wrong ideas and hopes for my life.

Funny how I related to so many things in the film. Letting things hold me back in different ways. Watching my friends grow up, leaving or losing relationships due to incompatibility. Meeting people who could’ve been it at all the wrong times and places. My story hasn’t been sunshine and daisies by any means and in that way I relate to the main character.

So many times I’ve heard or been told that I shouldn’t hold on to people the way I do. Imagining different scenarios, but every time I do there is always some sort of unfinished business that I have with them. There comes the moment where we have the final talk or meeting and everything falls into place. They say that closure is just the physical confirmation of what you already knew, but for me it’s more than that.

I admit that there are a lot of scenarios that end up back firing on me. I have an idea of a person. The image of who they were when I was with them during that time. I hold onto it and try to manifest it back regardless of if it’s realistic or not. Sometimes it helps me to move on later and sometimes it hurts me more than if I’d just let go of the notion.

Every person I’ve ever loved or has been a big part of my life is forever engraved on my heart. Some in better ways than others. Some permanently on my body. Despite wanting to know the future I’ll never know how my story ends. I’ll never know what characters have left for good or which ones are going to pop back up out of the blue. All I know is that I have to ride the wave and hope for the best.

So many times I’ve tried to change the course of my life. Tried to have even the slightest grip on it to try and steer it the way I wanted it to go. I should’ve known better than to test the universe. It brings things in and out of your life exactly at the times and points they are supposed to. Sometimes I think I understand. Other times I cry and scream and ask ‘why’. Why do I have to go through the type of life lessons that leave me feeling empty and broken? Worthless? It doesn’t seem fair.

I watch so many things unfold on the internet. Of course social media is only meant to show the happy parts of people’s lives. The success. It hides the dark parts and does a good job of it. We measure our success based on other people’s lives when really they have no effect on us. More cruel and unusual punishment.

I still have a lot to learn. Every day it gets a little easier. I’m slowly growing past the pain. Some days are darker than others, but there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. The best way I can describe it is when I was driving to a beach in Korea. It was later in the afternoon and I’d been driving in a traffic tunnel for what seemed like an hour. It seemed like it would never end, but at the end of the tunnel was the ocean. It was beautiful. It was one of the happiest times I had. Sunshine, sand, laughter.

Some quotes that have really stuck with me are these. I think about them often and know that regardless of where I am now it’s not the final destination. I just hope the end is as beautiful as a never ending beachy sunset.

“Life is funny isn’t it? Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, just when you finally begin to plan something, get excited about something, and feel like you know what direction you’re heading in, the paths change, the signs change, the wind blows the other way, north is suddenly south, and east is west, and you’re lost. It is so easy to lose your way, to lose direction. And that’s with following all the signposts”
“Why do we stop believing in ourselves? Why do we let facts and figures and anything but dreams rule our lives?”
“That’s what life is about: People come and go.”
“Home isn’t a place, its a feeling”
“I think I need to face what I could have been in order to understand and accept what I am.”
“There aren’t many sure things in life, but one thing I know for sure is that you have to deal with the consequences of your actions. You have to follow through on some things.”
“I’m trying to make some sense out of the phrase “Everything happens for a reason,” and I think I’ve figured out what the reason is—to piss me off.”