Comfortable…

After having riveting conversations with an old basic friend for the past week straight I’ve come to terms with a couple things. First, that while we don’t agree on everything, we each provide the other with insight that the other may have not considered. Second, we cuss worse than two sailors stuck at sea with nothing to occupy our time. Third, we both know nothing about the others gender as much as we’d like to think.

After finding out my work takes every other Friday off we found ourselves with the whole day to talk about everything and nothing on the phone. As we are both experiencing relationship issues we decided to talk about them and see what the other thought about different things.

I asked him if he found a person that he knew without a doubt was his soulmate if he would leave his current situation to pursue it. His response was that since he would not want to put his current person in a bad position and that he was comfortable and knew that there was going to be continuity with who he was with he would elect to stay unless he thought he was putting his current person in a bad predicament by staying.

I then followed that up with if he was more comfortable staying in a situation where he wasn’t truly happy over leaving and being completely happy. His response to that was, if the person he was with was happy then he was going to do everything he could to continue to make that person happy despite his own happiness.

This ladies and gentlemen is where I had an “aha” moment and also a little clarity into how men operate. Or so I’d like to assume. Essentially despite their own happiness they will elect to stay with someone they aren’t fully happy with maybe out of guilt, obligation, or comfort. As chivalrous as that sounds, it makes me sad. Is that out of my own selfish reasoning, yes, but also not.

Regardless of my own happiness, which at this point in my life I have decided is nonexistent, I believe that everyone deserves their happy ending. The hopeless romantic in me wants to believe that there is someone for everyone. The skeptic in me knows that humans are meant to have multiple connections in their lifetime whether they end up with that person or not.

I have had countless life altering relationships. Each one taught me a lesson about myself that helped me grow. Did that help me in the long run? I don’t know. I know that I go for emotionally unavailable individuals because I am afraid of continuing to open up to new people and nice people are boring.

Do I crave the excitement of a toxic relationship because that’s all I’ve known for my entire life? Probably. Is that healthy? Probably not. Will I continue to pursue these relationships despite the inevitable heartbreak? I’d like to say the answer is no, but I know myself too well.

My friend and I also had a conversation about how women don’t care about men’s feelings and how he saw a meme the other day that a girl friend of his posted that said “I will never date an insecure man”. I thought about this for a while. As someone who was mentally and emotionally abused into thinking I was worthless, ugly, not worth someone’s time of day, would never find anyone that would want to be with me, etc. I one hundred percent agree with her.

Is that to say that I don’t think men should have feelings? No. I have had multiple men crying into my lap about this or that and never once have I put them down or judged them. As much as women are called emotional, men are told not to show any emotions. It is healthy to cry and scream and express how you feel. It is an essential part of life. Does that make you weaker in my eyes? Personally, no. I want a man to show emotion, to care. Have I been manipulated by men’s emotions, yes. But I will never say that they don’t deserve to have them.

I have in a way been conditioned to not want anything from men. To expect very little or next to nothing. I have never had a man buy me flowers just because, bring me home food without having to ask, or even pick me up for a date. I have dated men where we had mutual understandings of behavior and there were some dating things that happened, but generally not that often.

Remembering my favorite color or flower or drink order deems high praise from me since these are things that most often get forgotten about. It doesn’t take much to impress me and it’s sad that I rarely expect the bare minimum.

Recently, I have been the victim of guilt shaming. “I didn’t realize I was doing it”, “I don’t remember that, I was drunk”, “Guess I suck/am a piece of shit”, etc. It does nothing for me. I will walk away at the drop of a hat because I am better than that. I have also been gaslit into submission and stuck with someone who said previously mentioned things to me for the better part of eight years. I guess it would be the worser part not better part…

Having been really and truly on my own for the past couple weeks I’ve realized that I can’t rely on anyone but myself. That people I thought would be there for me suddenly had better things to do, weren’t supportive of me anymore, or disagreed with things I’m doing to try and better myself.

I’ve honestly never felt like this in my life.

The longer it goes the worse it gets. I’m not really sad anymore. I’m just disappointed in myself and that I thought I could be alright this time. Having never really had to deal with emotions on this scale alone isn’t something that I ever want to go through again. I don’t feel much these days. Talking to someone I’ve known for six years, sometimes sitting on the phone in silence is the only comfort I know.

I lie in bed most nights til the early hours. Not tired, not sad, just numb. Silent tears and emptiness. I feel and I don’t. Some days I have all the motivation in the world and some days I have nothing. All my worst fears circle in my head. Do I stay? Do I go? How could anyone want to deal with this? This is why you’re alone. This is why no one stays. This is why nothing is ever good enough. Pain is better. Choking on the insecurities. Hide behind a mask. No one needs to see this.

Sleep doesn’t do much anymore. All I do is run from my problems off a cliff into darkness. I so want to hold on to something. Anything. Even if the thing I want to hold on to is killing me slowly. Taking pieces of me day by day. I didn’t think it would be like this. Is it easier to let go?

Maybe you took my words to heart. Maybe this is for the best. Maybe it’s easier this way. I don’t want it to be like this. I don’t think you’ll ever get to see that side of me again. No one will. So we’ll slug along and force ourselves out of bed everyday because that is what we have to do. I’ll write my feelings and hope that one day I’ll wake up and not feel like this. That I’ll finally smile and really mean it. I’ll look at my life and know that this all really happened for a reason.

One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time. The spark will come back eventually. I have to believe it. I can’t let one person dictate my life. Despite knowing I’d run to them at the drop of a hat. Right now I know it’s the one thing dimming my insides. In two weeks I’ll be on the road. In two weeks I’ll pretend everything is alright for the weekend. In two weeks I’ll be drinking and sleeping my problems away. A small distraction from the bigger issue. But it’ll be alright.

Just hold on a little longer. Keep waking up. Keep putting on a brave face. Keep telling yourself that you’re alright.

We said our last goodbye
Won’t you stay the night?
Even just for a moment
Perfect lie, pretend we’re fine
Even just for a moment

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