Want you to want me

With every fiber of my being I wanted to be the right one. For anyone. As a little girl I wished on dandelions that I would find the right person. That I would be able to have a family and be happy. Societal norms pushed onto me at a young age. Raising two siblings, babysitting in the neighborhood. All I wanted was to be like my perfect parents and have a family.

Such a fantasy to have. Even stranger to grow up and fail almost every milestone into adulthood. Borderline homelessness. The perfectly abusive relationship. Trapping myself into things I didn’t need to. Crushing debt. Being a milestone for men, but never the destination.

I’ve written about it before. How I’ve had more than my fair share of “the ones” in my life. They say in your lifetime there are only three loves that are real. First love, hard love, and last love. The first boy I ever loved broke my heart and was the first one to dim my spark. Everyone knew he was bad for me, he was manipulative and mean and I was head over heels for him. After him it seemed like I had a multitude of hard loves.

After my ex husband, Seattle was like a breath of fresh air. He made me question if I ever really loved at all. He made me question everything. He brought out the best of me and he also brought me to my lowest. He was the first person I wanted and couldn’t have. It made me realize that you can’t help who you love. As bad as it is, sometimes the ones you can’t have are the ones you want the most.

Germany built me up and crushed my soul. The definition of “I’m gonna learn your pain and then hurt you worse than the last person”. As much as it hurt, he made me realize how wonderful I was on my own. He left me in a foreign country to explore and find myself again. Although I can never forgive him for what he did to me, I grew and became better from it.

I thought E was going to be it for me. I really did. He fixed me when I was at my lowest. He made me feel like I had feelings again. Although we have been on and off for the better part of a year, I’ve realized that we won’t be end game. He helped glue a lot of pieces back together and left a few cracks as well. He’ll always have a soft spot in my heart even though he can’t decide what he wants; I know it isn’t me.

And then there was my finch. Despite not having crossed paths before, the collision was astronomical. He reached inside the darkest parts of me and made me face some of my worst demons. He saw some of the worst parts and somehow didn’t turn and run. The one person I’ll do anything to keep in my life. My soulmate. The one who can somehow turn any bad day into one of the best. The one who can read my mind any time and who I love unconditionally.

It’s hard. Meeting new people. Wondering if they’ll be safe. If you’ll be able to trust them with information about you and who you are. I’ve had a strange feeling for a while now that I should just stop. That I’ve met who I met and to avoid any more pain I should just be done. Despite not being able to be with the person I want, there has been a strange numbness in the desire to meet anyone else.

Maybe that’s the depression talking. Or the fact I’m in unfamiliar territory with a *strange* community. But truly I’m happy to be friends with my person and talk to my friends and work and go about my life. The desire to travel and see new things has overshadowed any notions to settle. I don’t have any plans on stopping.

I’ve been having trouble figuring out how I really feel as of late. Oddly this is one of the first nights I haven’t cried while writing or felt like I was going to. Everything seems to be in a weird alignment. It isn’t great, but it isn’t as dark as it used to be. I guess we’ll see how the weeks progress.

Boy your love is the shit
Put your hands on my hips
Could you come fuck me up just a little?
I don’t want it at all if I can’t have it all
What’s the point if we’re stuck in the middle, yeah?
And you’re so composed and I’m so dramatic
And you’re beautiful and it hurts like hell, yeah
I just want you to want me all the fucking time, yeah

-All the Fucking Time by Loote

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